( Her eyes burn more at the kiss to her forehead - no one's ever done that before, but it's both so gentle and protective, and her mind and heart almost doesn't know how to process it. Her head lowers further as her expression crumples, because now she knows he is not immortal. Nothing is. Nothing but shitheads like Hades really and her- her before she got out of the Underworld.
And so sometime he will be gone, but her voice in her head, his voice will remain. Her hand still clings to his arm.
This will stay in her head even after he- She rests her forehead against his shoulder, swallowing thickly through the emotion there. She can't let herself think about it, process it. Can't.
What does she say? What can she say? )
...I should've warned you. ( about what might be rattling around up in her mind, about the conversation he had to sidestep to focus on her. )
[ He's done what he hoped to do, now he needs and wants to address the turmoil she's clearly feeling. He would take it from her if he could. He could, technically, but this is an entirely different situation.
As she clings to him, the Doctor's arms shift to pull her close, holding her now in a far different way than their previous hug, with one hand resting against the back of her head. This is protective, an embrace of knowing, without the words needing to be said. Something was shared between them and he knows just enough about the future to understand what she may have seen. He doesn't like it, at all. She shouldn't have to carry this burden. ]
Secrets can keep us safe, but they aren't easy to bear. Sometimes we have to, for the sake of everything, I know that, but you specifically, shouldn't have to, not for my sake. I'm sorry.
[ He only saw a glimpse, but it's enough to infer. He knows he dies and regenerates (which he shouldn't be able to do), it's only the details he's clueless about. And there are a lot of details in the mix there. ]
I'm not going anywhere today, or tomorrow, or even the next day.
[ He has a big showy speech in mind for all of this, but right now it just feels like the only thing to say, the only thing he really can say. ]
( Her eyes burn helplessly when he pulls her in close like that. She can feel the protectiveness of the hug, and that reaches her in such an important way she can never put to words, because that's not- that's not ever been for her either. Something she needed and yearned for without knowing, without letting herself know. But of course, he would be apologizing for something like this when it's his future, when he is the one that will have to go through it, when he has no idea. It's not on him to do, but she knows he cares about her and what she has to carry.
So she shakes her head against him before she lifts her head from him to look up at him. )
You don't have anything to be sorry about. You hear me? ( She means that. ) Sometimes it's good to be willing to bear things for someone else. That's part of what this whole... being friends thing is, right? And you're... really important to me.
( Expressing that is also important to do. She's learning. She levels him with a Look then, and her voice is raw. Her throat feels lodged with emotion, but she means it. )
I got this. ( Red nods with certainty as she straightens her shoulders. She is ancient after all in reality, ancient and young, monstrous and human. ) And it helped Clara so I don't regret it. ( Especially since the Doctor can't help her with that so Red can. She'll carry that with her.
Not today, not tomorrow, not even the next day, he says so simply, beautifully. The truth is she knows no one is guaranteed any time at all. Spirits came into the Underworld of all ages and all types. It was just really hard, really painful to imagine him gone. ) There aren't ever any guarantees. I think I just wasn't thinking about how that's a part of it all too.
[ There's so much more to say, more that he wants to say. He may wish she wasn't making perfect sense right now about what it means to be friends; yes, that does mean carrying things for each other - generally. It's hard to accept that when it pertains to his own self. No one should carry anything at all for him, it's his job to do the opposite for them. But she's seen things now and they can't go back, so all they can do is carry this together, like all things. ]
You know what I said earlier about you? I left out wise. Terrible oversight. Incredibly wise. Bit annoying, actually. [ He says this with a smirk, a softness in his voice, trying to find their way back to something good. He'll always try for that. ]
You're right, though. No guarantees of anything at all. It's why being here now is the very best thing. I don't mean here here, but here together, all of us. Alive. It's the very best thing, just being here in this moment, and the next one. And the one after that? Oh, I'm looking forward to that. [ In spite of it all, he smiles a little. ]
( Red snorts laughter at that even as she ducks her head, because she knows he means that. He wouldn't just say it. She's not going to forget all those very nice things he said about her even if it's hard to wrap her mind around. That someone might see her like that. )
Yep, yeah. No one has ever said that about me either, but I'm happy to annoy you with my wisdom any time. ( She salutes him like she's done him some great services, and easily, she'll fall into something lighter with him. )
How'd you get to be so optimistic? Old as you are. I'm cynical as hell all the time, and I always try to use the excuse of being old af, but that excuse doesn't really hold any weight when you're both old and hopeful.
Oh, a simple trick, really. I watch a lot of baking shows, the ones where everyone just laughs and smiles a lot and at the end, they eat cake and tell each other, well done. Everyone's so happy! Bit inspirational, honestly.
[ He is "bullshitting" as Red would say, and he knows that she knows. But he smiles and offers something more sincere. ]
Truthfully, it's surrounding myself with people like you. People that are very important to me, the best of me.
( Red snorts laughter at his first answer and then ducks her head at the rest, at the important qualifier in association with her. She's still learning about people, connections, the importance of these things and how they can change so much about someone. Maybe if she'd been more open to it earlier in Purgatory then this wouldn't be something she had to learn. That's how she finally got out, trusting two spirits, working with them.
She plays with her sleeve. )
Right. People give you hope. ( She remembers when he told her that, and he'd said it so sincerely too. ) So you travel in your TARDIS through space and time with people with you, or is it mostly stumbling on groups like the one we're in, or both? ( It seemed like Clara had been traveling with him so maybe it's a bit of both, depending on where he's led to. )
[ On some level, he understands her, the way she's learning so much about connections, having friends, being someone who is so important to the people around them. Even after all this time, he's still not always clued in himself. But he'll absolutely make sure that she is. ]
Bit of a mix, sort of. Sometimes my friends...they move on. [ By choice - oh, how he wishes that happened more often - or by...the other thing. ] And then sometimes I'm alone for a little while before I make new friends and they come with me. I like that bit. The alone thing - tried that before, not good at it.
( Red thinks it is ultimately one of the reasons why they relate so well. They're not as human as most people around here, but human enough to crave the kind of connections that fully monsters, fully non-humans might not. He trails off when he says they move on, and she doesn't have to ask to know what that means. He is very old - some must have died, some must have gone because of other reasons.
Her heart aches at all the grief he must know. )
...mm, yeah. I can't really imagine you alone. You like people too much. You're an... outgoing personality. ( to say the least. She's more introverted so she can do alone, but the connections are nice. ) If your TARDIS was here right now, where would you go?
I do, and when I'm alone too much I start talking to myself all the time. Entertaining for a bit, then boring, then just absolutely dreadful and annoying.
[ He scrunches up his nose a little playfully, making a face. ]
Oh, but to go anywhere, well - I'd go to a place called Cintax Atreyu, lovely little planet. I'd have an ice cream cone there. This isn't just any old ice cream cone, mind you. It's about as high as two houses stacked on top of each other. It's cold there so the ice cream doesn't melt, it takes days to eat it. Meantime, there's a festival there everyday, you never know what they're celebrating when you go. They're just happy all the time. That's where I'd want to be, and I'd take you with me.
( She laughs in amusement. ) I can only imagine the conversations you'd have with yourself.
( And then there's a little whistle as he explains it all even as she stares in general, earnest wonder at what he describes. It's difficult for her to envision, but he is really good at descriptions )
I haven't even had a regular sized ice cream cone, and you want to hook me up with an extra sized one? ( She's smirking though. ) Sounds like you, and sounds fun too. I'd go with. Didn't know there were places where people just had festivals everyday, and they're never sad there? ( That... seems like a stretch. She's raising an eyebrow at him. )
Bright spots all over the universe. Little lights and beacons of hope. [ She's right. He may be exaggerating the never sad part, but it's nice to think of sometimes. A place out there somewhere. ]
We're all sad sometimes, that's life. Happy and sad. [ Something he's familiar with because he lives that everyday. Two hearts: one happy, one sad, always. ]
Like our time here. It's not perfect, not at all. But we have our little lights, don't we, in the darkness? And when we leave, you'll have all the ice cream I can find us. That'll be our first adventure, far away from here. Trying every ice cream cone in the universe.
[ It's nice to think of. It's a good story. One he hopes will be true one day. ]
Yeah, there've been some bright spots even here. ( Like him for instance, like Vanessa, like Fei, like Emilia, like Hermione - so many people, connections, learning to adapt to being a bit more human. She smiles. ) Big, adventurous plans with ice cream, I see.
( The Doctor always sounds so very confident, sure of it all. Inwardly, she wonders if taking her along won't mess up everything already set up for his future - the things she can't say. Outwardly, she just wants to let herself believe it for the moment, to buy into what he's selling even if it's a hard thing to wrap her head around. For a lot of reasons.
But on the outside, it's nice to just think maybe one day it'll happen. Maybe. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And so sometime he will be gone, but her voice in her head, his voice will remain. Her hand still clings to his arm.
This will stay in her head even after he- She rests her forehead against his shoulder, swallowing thickly through the emotion there. She can't let herself think about it, process it. Can't.
What does she say? What can she say? )
...I should've warned you. ( about what might be rattling around up in her mind, about the conversation he had to sidestep to focus on her. )
no subject
As she clings to him, the Doctor's arms shift to pull her close, holding her now in a far different way than their previous hug, with one hand resting against the back of her head. This is protective, an embrace of knowing, without the words needing to be said. Something was shared between them and he knows just enough about the future to understand what she may have seen. He doesn't like it, at all. She shouldn't have to carry this burden. ]
Secrets can keep us safe, but they aren't easy to bear. Sometimes we have to, for the sake of everything, I know that, but you specifically, shouldn't have to, not for my sake. I'm sorry.
[ He only saw a glimpse, but it's enough to infer. He knows he dies and regenerates (which he shouldn't be able to do), it's only the details he's clueless about. And there are a lot of details in the mix there. ]
I'm not going anywhere today, or tomorrow, or even the next day.
[ He has a big showy speech in mind for all of this, but right now it just feels like the only thing to say, the only thing he really can say. ]
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So she shakes her head against him before she lifts her head from him to look up at him. )
You don't have anything to be sorry about. You hear me? ( She means that. ) Sometimes it's good to be willing to bear things for someone else. That's part of what this whole... being friends thing is, right? And you're... really important to me.
( Expressing that is also important to do. She's learning. She levels him with a Look then, and her voice is raw. Her throat feels lodged with emotion, but she means it. )
I got this. ( Red nods with certainty as she straightens her shoulders. She is ancient after all in reality, ancient and young, monstrous and human. ) And it helped Clara so I don't regret it. ( Especially since the Doctor can't help her with that so Red can. She'll carry that with her.
Not today, not tomorrow, not even the next day, he says so simply, beautifully. The truth is she knows no one is guaranteed any time at all. Spirits came into the Underworld of all ages and all types. It was just really hard, really painful to imagine him gone. ) There aren't ever any guarantees. I think I just wasn't thinking about how that's a part of it all too.
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You know what I said earlier about you? I left out wise. Terrible oversight. Incredibly wise. Bit annoying, actually. [ He says this with a smirk, a softness in his voice, trying to find their way back to something good. He'll always try for that. ]
You're right, though. No guarantees of anything at all. It's why being here now is the very best thing. I don't mean here here, but here together, all of us. Alive. It's the very best thing, just being here in this moment, and the next one. And the one after that? Oh, I'm looking forward to that. [ In spite of it all, he smiles a little. ]
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Yep, yeah. No one has ever said that about me either, but I'm happy to annoy you with my wisdom any time. ( She salutes him like she's done him some great services, and easily, she'll fall into something lighter with him. )
How'd you get to be so optimistic? Old as you are. I'm cynical as hell all the time, and I always try to use the excuse of being old af, but that excuse doesn't really hold any weight when you're both old and hopeful.
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[ He is "bullshitting" as Red would say, and he knows that she knows. But he smiles and offers something more sincere. ]
Truthfully, it's surrounding myself with people like you. People that are very important to me, the best of me.
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She plays with her sleeve. )
Right. People give you hope. ( She remembers when he told her that, and he'd said it so sincerely too. ) So you travel in your TARDIS through space and time with people with you, or is it mostly stumbling on groups like the one we're in, or both? ( It seemed like Clara had been traveling with him so maybe it's a bit of both, depending on where he's led to. )
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Bit of a mix, sort of. Sometimes my friends...they move on. [ By choice - oh, how he wishes that happened more often - or by...the other thing. ] And then sometimes I'm alone for a little while before I make new friends and they come with me. I like that bit. The alone thing - tried that before, not good at it.
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Her heart aches at all the grief he must know. )
...mm, yeah. I can't really imagine you alone. You like people too much. You're an... outgoing personality. ( to say the least. She's more introverted so she can do alone, but the connections are nice. ) If your TARDIS was here right now, where would you go?
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[ He scrunches up his nose a little playfully, making a face. ]
Oh, but to go anywhere, well - I'd go to a place called Cintax Atreyu, lovely little planet. I'd have an ice cream cone there. This isn't just any old ice cream cone, mind you. It's about as high as two houses stacked on top of each other. It's cold there so the ice cream doesn't melt, it takes days to eat it. Meantime, there's a festival there everyday, you never know what they're celebrating when you go. They're just happy all the time. That's where I'd want to be, and I'd take you with me.
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( And then there's a little whistle as he explains it all even as she stares in general, earnest wonder at what he describes. It's difficult for her to envision, but he is really good at descriptions )
I haven't even had a regular sized ice cream cone, and you want to hook me up with an extra sized one? ( She's smirking though. ) Sounds like you, and sounds fun too. I'd go with. Didn't know there were places where people just had festivals everyday, and they're never sad there? ( That... seems like a stretch. She's raising an eyebrow at him. )
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We're all sad sometimes, that's life. Happy and sad. [ Something he's familiar with because he lives that everyday. Two hearts: one happy, one sad, always. ]
Like our time here. It's not perfect, not at all. But we have our little lights, don't we, in the darkness? And when we leave, you'll have all the ice cream I can find us. That'll be our first adventure, far away from here. Trying every ice cream cone in the universe.
[ It's nice to think of. It's a good story. One he hopes will be true one day. ]
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( The Doctor always sounds so very confident, sure of it all. Inwardly, she wonders if taking her along won't mess up everything already set up for his future - the things she can't say. Outwardly, she just wants to let herself believe it for the moment, to buy into what he's selling even if it's a hard thing to wrap her head around. For a lot of reasons.
But on the outside, it's nice to just think maybe one day it'll happen. Maybe. )