( Red keeps a tight hold of her still, moving to help her stand because she can tell she's very weak at the moment like she hasn't eaten or slept or- She keeps her hand on Vanessa's still like that might ground them together - root them to one another. It won't. This world is only temporary in the end, and she understands that, she does. It can't be anything else. )
I don't think it's ever selfish to hope.
( Her voice is soft, a bit raw with emotion, but she thinks that's true. Hoping is such a human condition. Hoping against all odds often. She lifts her gaze back up to her own face, and she gives a crooked, aching little smile. )
Neither could I.
( They're on their feet now, and Red decreases the distance between them again to wrap her arms tightly around her, to hug her tight and hug her close as she'd wished to do when she realized Vanessa was already gone. Her eyes prick with terrible, heavy emotion, and her fingers grip hold protectively like she can somehow protect her from hurt that has already come to pass.
[ The hug only catches her off guard for a moment, and she's quick to return it with arms wrapping tight around the girl's shoulders. The sharp pinch in her chest is one she welcomes. It comes from a full heart.
Red has always been swift to accept her, both woman and monster, and Vanessa feels fiercely protective of both this girl and monster in turn. There's gratitude, knowing she won't be further denied the opportunity to see both sides to her grow and strengthen.
And if what she says about Vanessa is true, then...she herself has a better chance to rise, doesn't she? It's something more.
Lightly stroking Red's hair, Vanessa finally dares to ask. ]
( Vanessa feels too small in her arms, and it hurts to know the shit she's been through recently in her own world. She went back and fought fucking hard and suffered even harder, and Red's just glad she was pulled back through the beacon to here instead. Her grip is protective too even if Vanessa is far more powerful than she is, but it's a helpless thing.
She only pulls back slow at the question, which has her shaking her head. )
I went and holed up in my room when I knew it was being activated.
( Next time maybe she'll face it, maybe she's supposed to, but she didn't this time. )
I got your letter then, and I knew you must be there. But I- I couldn't even read it. Didn't want to lose the last piece I had. ( Of Vanessa. So long as the letter remained unread, a piece of her remained too. Kinda stupid but it was how she felt. )
[ Alone? Not even knowing what Vanessa thought of her? It hurts even more thinking that she left Red to that. She had hoped that the Doctor and Red might find comfort in one another as family in Vanessa's absence, and perhaps they would have if she had truly stayed away.
It's been longer for Vanessa, but she still remembers what she wrote in the letter. Her memory for the written word is keener than anything, especially anything by her own pen. Red may think the letter not worth reading at all now that Vanessa's back, but hearing about her reaction to the beacon only solidifies Vanessa's desire for the girl to understand how valued she is and will continue to be. ]
Paper can be lost; words will live on in your heart. It would be good for you to read, I think.
[ She hopes that Red will read it, but she isn't one to force the issue. Matters of the heart rarely play the way people want. ]
Of course, it is nothing I wouldn't be glad to say aloud.
[ Much easier with the knowledge that it isn't a goodbye. ]
I don't know. It was important - your words, what you had to say.
( Red releases a long, shaky breath, because it's hard to put to words. Loss and grief are so new to her, and she wanted to hold on to that one piece of Vanessa that remains on the paper for as long as possible. Eventually, that ache of a loss would have become so great, and she'd want to fill it with something, and she would have read it then, holding it close to her heart.
She smiles then even with an ache in her heart. Her hand falls to Vanessa's to grip tight hold of it then, keeping in mind all she's learned about the horrible shit that she went through in her world, the shift in her soul too, all of it. That ache spreads all over. )
I'm really grateful you came back though, and sorry about all the shit you had to go through back- back where you're from.
[ That Red feels either gratitude or sorrow for her sake is so touching that Vanessa squeezes at her hand in turn. What manner of creature is she to have been so wasted in the underworld? Likely, there's so much more than even Vanessa has witnessed. ]
It is in the past. The heartbreak— [ She sighs, blinking away tears. ] The memories and lessons I will carry with me always, but...I am as free of those burdens as I'll ever be. The old monsters are gone.
[ At least the ones that she needs to worry about. The unwelcome ones. May her most beautiful monsters never leave her side.
She'll attempt a smile to mirror Red's. Small as it seems, the affection that it carries runs deep. ]
I think I am ready to embrace the new. To...try. What of you?
( Red's expression grows quiet as she explains, and there's still that feeling resounding inside of her. Good. It's good all the old monsters are gone, good that she might be free- as free as she possibly can be, and now that she's here maybe she can stay here too.
Maybe that's actually possible.
She doesn't know, and she doesn't even know that it's right: to try to become something different, something else, something beyond what she was made for, what they are fated to be.
The strange mix of multiple identities that swirl inside of her: monster and human-like, Cerberus and Red, the same but not. She does so clearly see the affection in Vanessa's features, and it reaches her. It's shared. )
That's good. It's not easy to... do that. ( Embrace the new. ) But this place probably makes it easier, fresh start in so many ways.
So yeah, I think- I am. It's what I've been trying to do.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
/the latest sobs
I don't think it's ever selfish to hope.
( Her voice is soft, a bit raw with emotion, but she thinks that's true. Hoping is such a human condition. Hoping against all odds often. She lifts her gaze back up to her own face, and she gives a crooked, aching little smile. )
Neither could I.
( They're on their feet now, and Red decreases the distance between them again to wrap her arms tightly around her, to hug her tight and hug her close as she'd wished to do when she realized Vanessa was already gone. Her eyes prick with terrible, heavy emotion, and her fingers grip hold protectively like she can somehow protect her from hurt that has already come to pass.
She can't. )
/somehow even laterrrrr
Red has always been swift to accept her, both woman and monster, and Vanessa feels fiercely protective of both this girl and monster in turn. There's gratitude, knowing she won't be further denied the opportunity to see both sides to her grow and strengthen.
And if what she says about Vanessa is true, then...she herself has a better chance to rise, doesn't she? It's something more.
Lightly stroking Red's hair, Vanessa finally dares to ask. ]
...Did you not go through the beacon?
no subject
She only pulls back slow at the question, which has her shaking her head. )
I went and holed up in my room when I knew it was being activated.
( Next time maybe she'll face it, maybe she's supposed to, but she didn't this time. )
I got your letter then, and I knew you must be there. But I- I couldn't even read it. Didn't want to lose the last piece I had. ( Of Vanessa. So long as the letter remained unread, a piece of her remained too. Kinda stupid but it was how she felt. )
no subject
It's been longer for Vanessa, but she still remembers what she wrote in the letter. Her memory for the written word is keener than anything, especially anything by her own pen. Red may think the letter not worth reading at all now that Vanessa's back, but hearing about her reaction to the beacon only solidifies Vanessa's desire for the girl to understand how valued she is and will continue to be. ]
Paper can be lost; words will live on in your heart. It would be good for you to read, I think.
[ She hopes that Red will read it, but she isn't one to force the issue. Matters of the heart rarely play the way people want. ]
Of course, it is nothing I wouldn't be glad to say aloud.
[ Much easier with the knowledge that it isn't a goodbye. ]
no subject
I don't know. It was important - your words, what you had to say.
( Red releases a long, shaky breath, because it's hard to put to words. Loss and grief are so new to her, and she wanted to hold on to that one piece of Vanessa that remains on the paper for as long as possible. Eventually, that ache of a loss would have become so great, and she'd want to fill it with something, and she would have read it then, holding it close to her heart.
She smiles then even with an ache in her heart. Her hand falls to Vanessa's to grip tight hold of it then, keeping in mind all she's learned about the horrible shit that she went through in her world, the shift in her soul too, all of it. That ache spreads all over. )
I'm really grateful you came back though, and sorry about all the shit you had to go through back- back where you're from.
no subject
It is in the past. The heartbreak— [ She sighs, blinking away tears. ] The memories and lessons I will carry with me always, but...I am as free of those burdens as I'll ever be. The old monsters are gone.
[ At least the ones that she needs to worry about. The unwelcome ones. May her most beautiful monsters never leave her side.
She'll attempt a smile to mirror Red's. Small as it seems, the affection that it carries runs deep. ]
I think I am ready to embrace the new. To...try. What of you?
no subject
Maybe that's actually possible.
She doesn't know, and she doesn't even know that it's right: to try to become something different, something else, something beyond what she was made for, what they are fated to be.
The strange mix of multiple identities that swirl inside of her: monster and human-like, Cerberus and Red, the same but not. She does so clearly see the affection in Vanessa's features, and it reaches her. It's shared. )
That's good. It's not easy to... do that. ( Embrace the new. ) But this place probably makes it easier, fresh start in so many ways.
So yeah, I think- I am. It's what I've been trying to do.