[ He is, in fact, glad that she came to him with this. The only thing he's less sure of at the moment is how much he'll be able to help. His abilities since arriving here have been unpredictable, which is frustrating, because under any other circumstances, this would be a fairly uncomplicated matter. Still, he'll do anything he can to help her.
Making his way to the roof, he can't help the soft smile at seeing her. Hearing she'd made it through the Unwinding safely is different than seeing for himself, and of course, things are more complicated. First order of business- ]
Permission to hug? Could use one honestly. Big fan of hugs.
( There's a mess of things inside of her beyond what she's told him even. Everything she learned from Clara - the Doctor would die, Clara would die. Someone dies no matter what. It's easier when she doesn't have to decide. Who to tell, what to say.
Still he asks for a hug - Hermione was her first and second, and she's found they're really good, really powerful. She likes them a lot - touch-starved as she's been for centuries. So she nods. )
[ He would not want her having to carry such a burden around, certainly not for his sake. And knowing the full scope of what happened to Clara would upset him beyond words. She's already died for him twice that he knows about, he can't reconcile the thought of that happening again, though he has a growing suspicion that's the case.
But Red agrees to the hug and he's more than happy to give it. When he hugs her, it's a warm and protective, lingering thing. ]
We should do this more often, Doctor's orders! Hugs are very good and important.
[ When he lets go of her, slowly, he moves to get comfortable beside her, focusing back on what she asked. ]
So during the Unwinding, you felt it you said. How did it feel? Do you remember if anything triggered it, that feeling? A specific situation or even word? Was it different than how it's felt before?
( Gods, hugs are really fucking good. She wondered if it was just the fear of the situation she'd been in during the Unwinding, a Hermione thing or what before, but no, it's hugs, physical contact, connection. That's really just wonderful. His arms wrap around her so tight - his arms are longer than Hermione's. It's warm, protective, good. That same aching part of her that has always yearned for something not-allowed wakes up again, and she wraps her arms around him in turn, blinking past the stupid burning in her eyes.
Shit. She releases her hold when he does. Then tilts her head to the side in consideration with a tiny smile at all the questions he gives one after the other. )
It felt different. In the Underworld, it was always like using a limb - didn't have to think about it, I could just do it. ( She lets out a lil pfft ) Honestly, it had pretty shit timing. My friend and I were hiding in this room from the knife wilding assholes in the tea portion of that screwed up mindscape, and she was telling me about her former adventures, including how terrifying it was to run into a giant three-headed dog one time.
Then I got- ( she waves a hand because words about emotions are really hard to articulate ) and I felt like the urge to shift like I might just shift right then and there, y'know, into the three-headed dog monster. Probably more terrifying than the one she saw.
Oh, don't worry, there are so many more terrifying things out there. I was once on a planet where the trees, at a moment's notice, would turn into a fire-breathing - [ Oh, right. Wait. This isn't helpful or comforting, probably. This has nothing to do with what she's talking about. ]
Sorry. Forget that. [ He leans in a little closer, and for now, at least, he's so focused on trying to help her, he doesn't yet notice anything else that might be troubling her beneath the surface. He'll get there, though. ]
Let's start with the basics. You, Red, are not terrifying. Cerberus may be. Probably is, so you say. It's part of you, but not you, not all of you, so we can...interrupt it, I believe. When we're tied to something powerful like that, it gets tricky, the mind being a powerful thing. But we're going to find that part of you that's Cerberus in here. [ He taps her temple gently with his index finger. ] And the part of you that's you, Red. We'll find that and anchor to it so you can control it better.
[ He can't know entirely if it will work, but he's reasonably sure, and he needs to try. He cares about her too much not to. ]
( Red stares at him when he says she isn't terrifying. Given everything he has seen, all she knows about him and his aura, it's probably true that he would not be terrified by her. The spirits were, but that's how it worked. Even when she wasn't the three headed dog, she could intimidate someone psychically if she needed to, if she... wanted to. Like a monster trapped in a cage.
She does trust him. She does think maybe if anyone could help he could. She's already seen what he can do, but some part of her panics briefly. It flutters, claws up her rib cage, and she worries she won't find words to both keep in what she's worried about and express that fear.
What if he sees Clara? What if he sees any part of that conversation or what she was trying to keep from him in order to prevent everything from happening (planets ending, and all the dying, but he dies either way- regenerates, and). She swallows. )
[ He sees in her eyes what he perceives to be concern, related to, he assumes, the idea of someone being in her mind. It's not pleasant to think about, he knows, but he's careful and he won't cross any boundaries in her mind that she's not willing to let him cross.
There's a warmth and sincerity in his eyes as he speaks. ]
Only what you want me to see, I promise. Keep Cerberus in full view, think about shifting - well, carefully. You know what I mean. Think about what we're trying to do. Anything else, anything that belongs just to you, you shut the door on it, okay? I won't see it.
[ Always, of course, the mind is tricky and unpredictable. It depends on her own control over her thoughts, to a certain extent, but he also won't go poking and prodding around. He knows what he's looking for, and anything else, he'll look away or tell her to close the door, if he sees even a hint of something outside of Cerberus. ]
( Red swallows as she shifts slightly beside him, wondering if she'll be able to manage to keep focus on Cerberus only when she's still reeling from all she learned about him. It threatens to sneak into her mind nonstop throughout this conversation alone, but she needs help. It won't do if she suddenly transforms into Cerberus and destroys a fucking building from the size of the thing alone.
She presses her fingers together, biting down on her lip so hard she tastes blood before she finally nods in acceptance. )
Okay. I trust you. It's why- ( why she came to him with this. ) Just a lot of fucked up shit in there. ( she taps her own head as if that's even the reason she immediately panicked. ) But I'll think about the shifting and the Cerberus and- ( not the rest. him dying, tearing holes in universes, planets destroying. yep. going well already. She sucks in a breath, closes her eyes, remembers Cerberus, remembers being it, remembers shifting before. )
You wouldn't be the only one, between the two of us. The stories we could tell, eh?
[ An attempt, briefly, at a kind of dark humor levity, because he must. Her clearly troubled demeanor right now worries him for her own stability and sake, though it all seems so understandable to him. Cerberus is part of her and though that's not all of her, it's something to reconcile in her mind and that's never an easy thing. All the more reason to attempt what they're doing now. ]
Okay! Take a deep breath, just in and out slowly. Actually, you don't really have to, I don't know where that came from. It sounded helpful! [ He smiles a little. Then, he touches his thumbs to her temples. ] This is your show, Red, got it? You don't want me in there any longer, you tell me.
[ When she's ready, he does close his eyes, centering himself, focusing on her mind. For him, when he does this, it's like suddenly stepping through a hazy fog into a clearing, everything in sharp clarity around him. He sees in her mind so many images, peeks into her past, her memories. Those aren't for him, though, and he won't linger. As he moves through her mind, she'll be able to feel him there, his presence like an old friend who's always been there. There's a flash of something then, and he briefly sees Clara's face, Red's face, a tumultuous moment between them clearly. Quickly, once more, he disregards it. It's a struggle not to pursue that, not to try and figure out what happened, what's going on, but now some of her behavior makes sense and he worries even more for her. Still, what makes him pivot is his focus on Red. This isn't about his own curiosity and concern, it's about her and what she needs right now. ]
I see Cerberus. Right there. The moment you shift, what you're feeling, hold onto it with everything you've got. Don't be afraid, I'm there with you.
[ And here, he goes quiet again. Everything from here is about the telepathic message he needs to leave for her, connecting with her at the point of her transformation, putting an anchor in there to bring her back to herself.
Gently, yet firmly, he sends the message in her mind: You are Red. You are Red. You are Red.
Here, in this moment, when she shifts, is the remembrance of who she really is. It won't stop her from transforming, but it will keep her grounded with the person she's becoming. He hopes, in any case. He needs to believe that, he won't consider otherwise. ]
Do you know who you are, really? You're kind and brave, absolutely hilarious. With a wicked tongue that's all you. We wouldn't want you to be any other way. Red - the adventurer, the friend, the confidant, the hero, the dreamer, the explorer. Still exploring, still learning, figuring out who you are. You're free, you're brilliant, you're my friend. You are Red.
( Red's focus grows more on the monster, part of her, her even if she catches the moment he sees. He sees and steps past what happened with Clara. On Fuckin Hera, she would have shut it all down if she thought he caught even a glimpse of what was shared there- what she can't share, because it'll kill him (kill the whole galaxies). And it terrifies her to think she might end up responsible for that despite all her attempts to be better than what she was made to be. It terrifies her his ever being friends with her could ever hurt him. It terrifies her the thought of losing- She swallows as he continues forward (comforted that it does feel like... a friend, she's starting to know what that feels like to have). She's seen his own aura in full. She can show him this, show him her. She can choose it. She wants to.
There's the door in her mind he'll find himself at next. Even from outside of it, it shudders, buckles. The only door inside of her mind made of metal, but it burns. Touching it, it burns. She has to force it open through her fear - not of Cerberus but of being seen differently.
The door flings open, and on the other side, he will see it too, feel it. The monster stands, guards: the ancient growl, the gnashing of teeth, the claws scraping and tearing. In its current size, it would tower over the building they currently sit on. The Underworld is always cold, but Cerberus is bursting with flame from every crack - eyes to mouth to the lines of it are red-orange with flame. It is barely contained inside of the spines and fur and long tail which whips around like a snake.
The three heads seek to tear, to bite, to guard, to terrify, to follow orders, and it has since its creation (ancient as it is). The chains that bind it are just as old. It would swallow his soul if it could, if given half the chance.
No.
But then- then she hears his words. They're the nicest things anyone has ever said about her, and she shakes her head- some part of denying it, knowing the truth is she's monstruous but he somehow sees her as all of that. She feels how it roots there in her mind where the shifting's at, and she lifts her hand to cling to his arm while his fingertips press against her forehead. )
I feel it - the anchor.
I can hear you there in my head where I usually feel like I don't have any control at all. ( Her eyes burn. She doesn't know what to do with everything she said or how important he is to her and the fact she knows his entire future, and- and all the rest. But she knows she feels his anchor there now. She can reach it. )
[ The monster that inhabits the other part of her soul is large and looming in all its might, and yet nothing about Cerberus makes the Doctor feel afraid, not for one moment. He can feel Red's fear, though, and it nearly burns in his throat, the way they're connected through it. Cerberus will never leave her, but he hopes that in time, the message he's given her will lessen her fear of herself, help her to trust and know herself. Hades isn't here, won't hurt her again, has no more control or authority over her. She belongs to herself, and the Doctor will do anything he can to remind her of that.
Lightly, he presses a soft kiss to her forehead before asking: ]
It's there as long as you need it.
[ That's the thing about the mind; she's so vulnerable right now, still learning her own control. In time, when she's more sure of herself, she'll be able to decide if she still needs that anchor. And if she does, it will always be there; he will be, in some way. ]
( Her eyes burn more at the kiss to her forehead - no one's ever done that before, but it's both so gentle and protective, and her mind and heart almost doesn't know how to process it. Her head lowers further as her expression crumples, because now she knows he is not immortal. Nothing is. Nothing but shitheads like Hades really and her- her before she got out of the Underworld.
And so sometime he will be gone, but her voice in her head, his voice will remain. Her hand still clings to his arm.
This will stay in her head even after he- She rests her forehead against his shoulder, swallowing thickly through the emotion there. She can't let herself think about it, process it. Can't.
What does she say? What can she say? )
...I should've warned you. ( about what might be rattling around up in her mind, about the conversation he had to sidestep to focus on her. )
[ He's done what he hoped to do, now he needs and wants to address the turmoil she's clearly feeling. He would take it from her if he could. He could, technically, but this is an entirely different situation.
As she clings to him, the Doctor's arms shift to pull her close, holding her now in a far different way than their previous hug, with one hand resting against the back of her head. This is protective, an embrace of knowing, without the words needing to be said. Something was shared between them and he knows just enough about the future to understand what she may have seen. He doesn't like it, at all. She shouldn't have to carry this burden. ]
Secrets can keep us safe, but they aren't easy to bear. Sometimes we have to, for the sake of everything, I know that, but you specifically, shouldn't have to, not for my sake. I'm sorry.
[ He only saw a glimpse, but it's enough to infer. He knows he dies and regenerates (which he shouldn't be able to do), it's only the details he's clueless about. And there are a lot of details in the mix there. ]
I'm not going anywhere today, or tomorrow, or even the next day.
[ He has a big showy speech in mind for all of this, but right now it just feels like the only thing to say, the only thing he really can say. ]
( Her eyes burn helplessly when he pulls her in close like that. She can feel the protectiveness of the hug, and that reaches her in such an important way she can never put to words, because that's not- that's not ever been for her either. Something she needed and yearned for without knowing, without letting herself know. But of course, he would be apologizing for something like this when it's his future, when he is the one that will have to go through it, when he has no idea. It's not on him to do, but she knows he cares about her and what she has to carry.
So she shakes her head against him before she lifts her head from him to look up at him. )
You don't have anything to be sorry about. You hear me? ( She means that. ) Sometimes it's good to be willing to bear things for someone else. That's part of what this whole... being friends thing is, right? And you're... really important to me.
( Expressing that is also important to do. She's learning. She levels him with a Look then, and her voice is raw. Her throat feels lodged with emotion, but she means it. )
I got this. ( Red nods with certainty as she straightens her shoulders. She is ancient after all in reality, ancient and young, monstrous and human. ) And it helped Clara so I don't regret it. ( Especially since the Doctor can't help her with that so Red can. She'll carry that with her.
Not today, not tomorrow, not even the next day, he says so simply, beautifully. The truth is she knows no one is guaranteed any time at all. Spirits came into the Underworld of all ages and all types. It was just really hard, really painful to imagine him gone. ) There aren't ever any guarantees. I think I just wasn't thinking about how that's a part of it all too.
[ There's so much more to say, more that he wants to say. He may wish she wasn't making perfect sense right now about what it means to be friends; yes, that does mean carrying things for each other - generally. It's hard to accept that when it pertains to his own self. No one should carry anything at all for him, it's his job to do the opposite for them. But she's seen things now and they can't go back, so all they can do is carry this together, like all things. ]
You know what I said earlier about you? I left out wise. Terrible oversight. Incredibly wise. Bit annoying, actually. [ He says this with a smirk, a softness in his voice, trying to find their way back to something good. He'll always try for that. ]
You're right, though. No guarantees of anything at all. It's why being here now is the very best thing. I don't mean here here, but here together, all of us. Alive. It's the very best thing, just being here in this moment, and the next one. And the one after that? Oh, I'm looking forward to that. [ In spite of it all, he smiles a little. ]
( Red snorts laughter at that even as she ducks her head, because she knows he means that. He wouldn't just say it. She's not going to forget all those very nice things he said about her even if it's hard to wrap her mind around. That someone might see her like that. )
Yep, yeah. No one has ever said that about me either, but I'm happy to annoy you with my wisdom any time. ( She salutes him like she's done him some great services, and easily, she'll fall into something lighter with him. )
How'd you get to be so optimistic? Old as you are. I'm cynical as hell all the time, and I always try to use the excuse of being old af, but that excuse doesn't really hold any weight when you're both old and hopeful.
Oh, a simple trick, really. I watch a lot of baking shows, the ones where everyone just laughs and smiles a lot and at the end, they eat cake and tell each other, well done. Everyone's so happy! Bit inspirational, honestly.
[ He is "bullshitting" as Red would say, and he knows that she knows. But he smiles and offers something more sincere. ]
Truthfully, it's surrounding myself with people like you. People that are very important to me, the best of me.
( Red snorts laughter at his first answer and then ducks her head at the rest, at the important qualifier in association with her. She's still learning about people, connections, the importance of these things and how they can change so much about someone. Maybe if she'd been more open to it earlier in Purgatory then this wouldn't be something she had to learn. That's how she finally got out, trusting two spirits, working with them.
She plays with her sleeve. )
Right. People give you hope. ( She remembers when he told her that, and he'd said it so sincerely too. ) So you travel in your TARDIS through space and time with people with you, or is it mostly stumbling on groups like the one we're in, or both? ( It seemed like Clara had been traveling with him so maybe it's a bit of both, depending on where he's led to. )
[ On some level, he understands her, the way she's learning so much about connections, having friends, being someone who is so important to the people around them. Even after all this time, he's still not always clued in himself. But he'll absolutely make sure that she is. ]
Bit of a mix, sort of. Sometimes my friends...they move on. [ By choice - oh, how he wishes that happened more often - or by...the other thing. ] And then sometimes I'm alone for a little while before I make new friends and they come with me. I like that bit. The alone thing - tried that before, not good at it.
( Red thinks it is ultimately one of the reasons why they relate so well. They're not as human as most people around here, but human enough to crave the kind of connections that fully monsters, fully non-humans might not. He trails off when he says they move on, and she doesn't have to ask to know what that means. He is very old - some must have died, some must have gone because of other reasons.
Her heart aches at all the grief he must know. )
...mm, yeah. I can't really imagine you alone. You like people too much. You're an... outgoing personality. ( to say the least. She's more introverted so she can do alone, but the connections are nice. ) If your TARDIS was here right now, where would you go?
I do, and when I'm alone too much I start talking to myself all the time. Entertaining for a bit, then boring, then just absolutely dreadful and annoying.
[ He scrunches up his nose a little playfully, making a face. ]
Oh, but to go anywhere, well - I'd go to a place called Cintax Atreyu, lovely little planet. I'd have an ice cream cone there. This isn't just any old ice cream cone, mind you. It's about as high as two houses stacked on top of each other. It's cold there so the ice cream doesn't melt, it takes days to eat it. Meantime, there's a festival there everyday, you never know what they're celebrating when you go. They're just happy all the time. That's where I'd want to be, and I'd take you with me.
( She laughs in amusement. ) I can only imagine the conversations you'd have with yourself.
( And then there's a little whistle as he explains it all even as she stares in general, earnest wonder at what he describes. It's difficult for her to envision, but he is really good at descriptions )
I haven't even had a regular sized ice cream cone, and you want to hook me up with an extra sized one? ( She's smirking though. ) Sounds like you, and sounds fun too. I'd go with. Didn't know there were places where people just had festivals everyday, and they're never sad there? ( That... seems like a stretch. She's raising an eyebrow at him. )
Bright spots all over the universe. Little lights and beacons of hope. [ She's right. He may be exaggerating the never sad part, but it's nice to think of sometimes. A place out there somewhere. ]
We're all sad sometimes, that's life. Happy and sad. [ Something he's familiar with because he lives that everyday. Two hearts: one happy, one sad, always. ]
Like our time here. It's not perfect, not at all. But we have our little lights, don't we, in the darkness? And when we leave, you'll have all the ice cream I can find us. That'll be our first adventure, far away from here. Trying every ice cream cone in the universe.
[ It's nice to think of. It's a good story. One he hopes will be true one day. ]
Yeah, there've been some bright spots even here. ( Like him for instance, like Vanessa, like Fei, like Emilia, like Hermione - so many people, connections, learning to adapt to being a bit more human. She smiles. ) Big, adventurous plans with ice cream, I see.
( The Doctor always sounds so very confident, sure of it all. Inwardly, she wonders if taking her along won't mess up everything already set up for his future - the things she can't say. Outwardly, she just wants to let herself believe it for the moment, to buy into what he's selling even if it's a hard thing to wrap her head around. For a lot of reasons.
But on the outside, it's nice to just think maybe one day it'll happen. Maybe. )
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Making his way to the roof, he can't help the soft smile at seeing her. Hearing she'd made it through the Unwinding safely is different than seeing for himself, and of course, things are more complicated. First order of business- ]
Permission to hug? Could use one honestly. Big fan of hugs.
[ As much for her sake as for his, really. ]
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Still he asks for a hug - Hermione was her first and second, and she's found they're really good, really powerful. She likes them a lot - touch-starved as she's been for centuries. So she nods. )
Yeah, okay.
Recently learned hugs are good.
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But Red agrees to the hug and he's more than happy to give it. When he hugs her, it's a warm and protective, lingering thing. ]
We should do this more often, Doctor's orders! Hugs are very good and important.
[ When he lets go of her, slowly, he moves to get comfortable beside her, focusing back on what she asked. ]
So during the Unwinding, you felt it you said. How did it feel? Do you remember if anything triggered it, that feeling? A specific situation or even word? Was it different than how it's felt before?
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Shit. She releases her hold when he does. Then tilts her head to the side in consideration with a tiny smile at all the questions he gives one after the other. )
It felt different. In the Underworld, it was always like using a limb - didn't have to think about it, I could just do it. ( She lets out a lil pfft ) Honestly, it had pretty shit timing. My friend and I were hiding in this room from the knife wilding assholes in the tea portion of that screwed up mindscape, and she was telling me about her former adventures, including how terrifying it was to run into a giant three-headed dog one time.
Then I got- ( she waves a hand because words about emotions are really hard to articulate ) and I felt like the urge to shift like I might just shift right then and there, y'know, into the three-headed dog monster. Probably more terrifying than the one she saw.
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Sorry. Forget that. [ He leans in a little closer, and for now, at least, he's so focused on trying to help her, he doesn't yet notice anything else that might be troubling her beneath the surface. He'll get there, though. ]
Let's start with the basics. You, Red, are not terrifying. Cerberus may be. Probably is, so you say. It's part of you, but not you, not all of you, so we can...interrupt it, I believe. When we're tied to something powerful like that, it gets tricky, the mind being a powerful thing. But we're going to find that part of you that's Cerberus in here. [ He taps her temple gently with his index finger. ] And the part of you that's you, Red. We'll find that and anchor to it so you can control it better.
[ He can't know entirely if it will work, but he's reasonably sure, and he needs to try. He cares about her too much not to. ]
Trust me?
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She does trust him. She does think maybe if anyone could help he could. She's already seen what he can do, but some part of her panics briefly. It flutters, claws up her rib cage, and she worries she won't find words to both keep in what she's worried about and express that fear.
What if he sees Clara? What if he sees any part of that conversation or what she was trying to keep from him in order to prevent everything from happening (planets ending, and all the dying, but he dies either way- regenerates, and). She swallows. )
I- ( Her fingers spear through her hair. )
You'll just see Cerberus, or how will that work?
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There's a warmth and sincerity in his eyes as he speaks. ]
Only what you want me to see, I promise. Keep Cerberus in full view, think about shifting - well, carefully. You know what I mean. Think about what we're trying to do. Anything else, anything that belongs just to you, you shut the door on it, okay? I won't see it.
[ Always, of course, the mind is tricky and unpredictable. It depends on her own control over her thoughts, to a certain extent, but he also won't go poking and prodding around. He knows what he's looking for, and anything else, he'll look away or tell her to close the door, if he sees even a hint of something outside of Cerberus. ]
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She presses her fingers together, biting down on her lip so hard she tastes blood before she finally nods in acceptance. )
Okay. I trust you. It's why- ( why she came to him with this. ) Just a lot of fucked up shit in there. ( she taps her own head as if that's even the reason she immediately panicked. ) But I'll think about the shifting and the Cerberus and- ( not the rest. him dying, tearing holes in universes, planets destroying. yep. going well already. She sucks in a breath, closes her eyes, remembers Cerberus, remembers being it, remembers shifting before. )
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[ An attempt, briefly, at a kind of dark humor levity, because he must. Her clearly troubled demeanor right now worries him for her own stability and sake, though it all seems so understandable to him. Cerberus is part of her and though that's not all of her, it's something to reconcile in her mind and that's never an easy thing. All the more reason to attempt what they're doing now. ]
Okay! Take a deep breath, just in and out slowly. Actually, you don't really have to, I don't know where that came from. It sounded helpful! [ He smiles a little. Then, he touches his thumbs to her temples. ] This is your show, Red, got it? You don't want me in there any longer, you tell me.
[ When she's ready, he does close his eyes, centering himself, focusing on her mind. For him, when he does this, it's like suddenly stepping through a hazy fog into a clearing, everything in sharp clarity around him. He sees in her mind so many images, peeks into her past, her memories. Those aren't for him, though, and he won't linger. As he moves through her mind, she'll be able to feel him there, his presence like an old friend who's always been there. There's a flash of something then, and he briefly sees Clara's face, Red's face, a tumultuous moment between them clearly. Quickly, once more, he disregards it. It's a struggle not to pursue that, not to try and figure out what happened, what's going on, but now some of her behavior makes sense and he worries even more for her. Still, what makes him pivot is his focus on Red. This isn't about his own curiosity and concern, it's about her and what she needs right now. ]
I see Cerberus. Right there. The moment you shift, what you're feeling, hold onto it with everything you've got. Don't be afraid, I'm there with you.
[ And here, he goes quiet again. Everything from here is about the telepathic message he needs to leave for her, connecting with her at the point of her transformation, putting an anchor in there to bring her back to herself.
Gently, yet firmly, he sends the message in her mind: You are Red. You are Red. You are Red.
Here, in this moment, when she shifts, is the remembrance of who she really is. It won't stop her from transforming, but it will keep her grounded with the person she's becoming. He hopes, in any case. He needs to believe that, he won't consider otherwise. ]
Do you know who you are, really? You're kind and brave, absolutely hilarious. With a wicked tongue that's all you. We wouldn't want you to be any other way. Red - the adventurer, the friend, the confidant, the hero, the dreamer, the explorer. Still exploring, still learning, figuring out who you are. You're free, you're brilliant, you're my friend. You are Red.
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There's the door in her mind he'll find himself at next. Even from outside of it, it shudders, buckles. The only door inside of her mind made of metal, but it burns. Touching it, it burns. She has to force it open through her fear - not of Cerberus but of being seen differently.
The door flings open, and on the other side, he will see it too, feel it. The monster stands, guards: the ancient growl, the gnashing of teeth, the claws scraping and tearing. In its current size, it would tower over the building they currently sit on. The Underworld is always cold, but Cerberus is bursting with flame from every crack - eyes to mouth to the lines of it are red-orange with flame. It is barely contained inside of the spines and fur and long tail which whips around like a snake.
The three heads seek to tear, to bite, to guard, to terrify, to follow orders, and it has since its creation (ancient as it is). The chains that bind it are just as old. It would swallow his soul if it could, if given half the chance.
No.
But then- then she hears his words. They're the nicest things anyone has ever said about her, and she shakes her head- some part of denying it, knowing the truth is she's monstruous but he somehow sees her as all of that. She feels how it roots there in her mind where the shifting's at, and she lifts her hand to cling to his arm while his fingertips press against her forehead. )
I feel it - the anchor.
I can hear you there in my head where I usually feel like I don't have any control at all. ( Her eyes burn. She doesn't know what to do with everything she said or how important he is to her and the fact she knows his entire future, and- and all the rest. But she knows she feels his anchor there now. She can reach it. )
...thank you.
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Lightly, he presses a soft kiss to her forehead before asking: ]
It's there as long as you need it.
[ That's the thing about the mind; she's so vulnerable right now, still learning her own control. In time, when she's more sure of herself, she'll be able to decide if she still needs that anchor. And if she does, it will always be there; he will be, in some way. ]
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And so sometime he will be gone, but her voice in her head, his voice will remain. Her hand still clings to his arm.
This will stay in her head even after he- She rests her forehead against his shoulder, swallowing thickly through the emotion there. She can't let herself think about it, process it. Can't.
What does she say? What can she say? )
...I should've warned you. ( about what might be rattling around up in her mind, about the conversation he had to sidestep to focus on her. )
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As she clings to him, the Doctor's arms shift to pull her close, holding her now in a far different way than their previous hug, with one hand resting against the back of her head. This is protective, an embrace of knowing, without the words needing to be said. Something was shared between them and he knows just enough about the future to understand what she may have seen. He doesn't like it, at all. She shouldn't have to carry this burden. ]
Secrets can keep us safe, but they aren't easy to bear. Sometimes we have to, for the sake of everything, I know that, but you specifically, shouldn't have to, not for my sake. I'm sorry.
[ He only saw a glimpse, but it's enough to infer. He knows he dies and regenerates (which he shouldn't be able to do), it's only the details he's clueless about. And there are a lot of details in the mix there. ]
I'm not going anywhere today, or tomorrow, or even the next day.
[ He has a big showy speech in mind for all of this, but right now it just feels like the only thing to say, the only thing he really can say. ]
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So she shakes her head against him before she lifts her head from him to look up at him. )
You don't have anything to be sorry about. You hear me? ( She means that. ) Sometimes it's good to be willing to bear things for someone else. That's part of what this whole... being friends thing is, right? And you're... really important to me.
( Expressing that is also important to do. She's learning. She levels him with a Look then, and her voice is raw. Her throat feels lodged with emotion, but she means it. )
I got this. ( Red nods with certainty as she straightens her shoulders. She is ancient after all in reality, ancient and young, monstrous and human. ) And it helped Clara so I don't regret it. ( Especially since the Doctor can't help her with that so Red can. She'll carry that with her.
Not today, not tomorrow, not even the next day, he says so simply, beautifully. The truth is she knows no one is guaranteed any time at all. Spirits came into the Underworld of all ages and all types. It was just really hard, really painful to imagine him gone. ) There aren't ever any guarantees. I think I just wasn't thinking about how that's a part of it all too.
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You know what I said earlier about you? I left out wise. Terrible oversight. Incredibly wise. Bit annoying, actually. [ He says this with a smirk, a softness in his voice, trying to find their way back to something good. He'll always try for that. ]
You're right, though. No guarantees of anything at all. It's why being here now is the very best thing. I don't mean here here, but here together, all of us. Alive. It's the very best thing, just being here in this moment, and the next one. And the one after that? Oh, I'm looking forward to that. [ In spite of it all, he smiles a little. ]
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Yep, yeah. No one has ever said that about me either, but I'm happy to annoy you with my wisdom any time. ( She salutes him like she's done him some great services, and easily, she'll fall into something lighter with him. )
How'd you get to be so optimistic? Old as you are. I'm cynical as hell all the time, and I always try to use the excuse of being old af, but that excuse doesn't really hold any weight when you're both old and hopeful.
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[ He is "bullshitting" as Red would say, and he knows that she knows. But he smiles and offers something more sincere. ]
Truthfully, it's surrounding myself with people like you. People that are very important to me, the best of me.
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She plays with her sleeve. )
Right. People give you hope. ( She remembers when he told her that, and he'd said it so sincerely too. ) So you travel in your TARDIS through space and time with people with you, or is it mostly stumbling on groups like the one we're in, or both? ( It seemed like Clara had been traveling with him so maybe it's a bit of both, depending on where he's led to. )
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Bit of a mix, sort of. Sometimes my friends...they move on. [ By choice - oh, how he wishes that happened more often - or by...the other thing. ] And then sometimes I'm alone for a little while before I make new friends and they come with me. I like that bit. The alone thing - tried that before, not good at it.
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Her heart aches at all the grief he must know. )
...mm, yeah. I can't really imagine you alone. You like people too much. You're an... outgoing personality. ( to say the least. She's more introverted so she can do alone, but the connections are nice. ) If your TARDIS was here right now, where would you go?
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[ He scrunches up his nose a little playfully, making a face. ]
Oh, but to go anywhere, well - I'd go to a place called Cintax Atreyu, lovely little planet. I'd have an ice cream cone there. This isn't just any old ice cream cone, mind you. It's about as high as two houses stacked on top of each other. It's cold there so the ice cream doesn't melt, it takes days to eat it. Meantime, there's a festival there everyday, you never know what they're celebrating when you go. They're just happy all the time. That's where I'd want to be, and I'd take you with me.
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( And then there's a little whistle as he explains it all even as she stares in general, earnest wonder at what he describes. It's difficult for her to envision, but he is really good at descriptions )
I haven't even had a regular sized ice cream cone, and you want to hook me up with an extra sized one? ( She's smirking though. ) Sounds like you, and sounds fun too. I'd go with. Didn't know there were places where people just had festivals everyday, and they're never sad there? ( That... seems like a stretch. She's raising an eyebrow at him. )
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We're all sad sometimes, that's life. Happy and sad. [ Something he's familiar with because he lives that everyday. Two hearts: one happy, one sad, always. ]
Like our time here. It's not perfect, not at all. But we have our little lights, don't we, in the darkness? And when we leave, you'll have all the ice cream I can find us. That'll be our first adventure, far away from here. Trying every ice cream cone in the universe.
[ It's nice to think of. It's a good story. One he hopes will be true one day. ]
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( The Doctor always sounds so very confident, sure of it all. Inwardly, she wonders if taking her along won't mess up everything already set up for his future - the things she can't say. Outwardly, she just wants to let herself believe it for the moment, to buy into what he's selling even if it's a hard thing to wrap her head around. For a lot of reasons.
But on the outside, it's nice to just think maybe one day it'll happen. Maybe. )