( Red lowers herself down, kneeling there near, uncertain- Her gaze drifts over her face like she's trying to get a sense on if she's okay or not, if she wants her company or not. She's not okay obviously, but what did she face?
It's not clear. After a moment, her hand reaches out to rest on top of Vanessa's with the awkwardness of someone who is still getting used to- used to all of this, connections, humanity, providing reassurance or trying to. But she feels the realness of her against her palm, and it makes her eyes burn again.
She didn't go forever like Red had thought, navigating the emotions that had washed over her when she saw the envelope. )
Good. ( A sharp dangerous hiss for Lucifer until she realizes. Nothing comes without a price to be paid: and that cost is always heavy. ) ...but why would that- ( She wanted to know how much of her was left. ) What did it cost?
[ The question is a sting in a still-open wound, but it's the query of someone who knows what it means to abandon old lives, and it's one that has to be addressed. Vanessa may have faced her blockades head-on, but that was only because trying to sneak away had failed horribly. Lives had been endangered, and in the end the scales were never re-balanced. She'd conquered a mountain only to be felled by a chasm.
Having already experienced a bombardment of differing emotions since being discovered by the Doctor, Vanessa is primed for tears, but perhaps there's none left in her. Even as her voice cracks, her answer sounds hollow to her own ears. ]
Lives. Loves. Whatever small virtue I still carried within. I went to battle knowing that great evil could only be banished in the face of greater good, or...greater evil. [ She shakes her head. ] And I have never been very...good.
( Her throat lodges with emotion as Vanessa explains what happened, what she gave up in order to fight such a strong force. Her hand tightens over Vanessa's like Red is attempting to be a tether, attempting to be an anchor, but so much of that light has already been lost, swallowed up in the dark. What can she do? This has already happened, and Vanessa lives with the torn shrapnel of a battle fought hard, a battle with a heavy cost.
Morality is stickier than good and evil. Most everything is shades of gray. In a world so complicated, it makes sense that nothing can be properly boxed as one or the other. Only good, only evil. Her expression is stricken. )
You've been good to me.
( That is true. That is real. That she can offer. )
...you shouldn't have had to go to battle at all. ( It strangles out of her mouth in a protective, angry tone. There is a wrongness seeping into her bones, into her claws and teeth. It was wrong she wasn't there to fight for her, with her. She cannot change what has already happened, and so instead she speaks with her eyes burning, hoping this brings some... some manner of comfort, some manner of something: ) But there's still light in you. So- so much dark, but the light's not all gone.
[ Much of what Red says stirs at her heart, even if she can't really understand how she might have been good to the girl in any way, but then Red says something that leaves her forgetting anything else that had been shared.
Still...light?
Light? ]
What?
[ Still? ]
You—
[ There are the tears now, spilling unbidden with breaths that falter at first, but then her eyes grow wide with an incredible focus. There's something old piercing through that fog of melancholy now, and it looks into the younger ancient with a narrowing purpose. ]
You never...said there was any light. ...Before.
[ She returns Red's grip now, her other hand flying to clasp the girl's between her own, but so tight that her nails begin to bite at flesh.
All this time, Vanessa had begun to wonder if she had never known God's touch at all—that any remnants of divine virtue truly were a delusion before even facing Satan. Now she learns that something light had always been there in the root of her soul, and even if there's less of it now...something still...is.
Had Red meant to keep this from her? Did she know that her words have haunted Vanessa ever since their meeting? Oh, why hadn't Red told her that crucial detail sooner? ]
( There are so many things Red could say in response to that. She is so caught by the idea that it should have been something she said before, and she had not thought about it at the time. She was so new to seeing souls outside of the afterlife, to knowing what she should say and when- if she should say anything at all. She probably should have swallowed it all down like a boulder to the center of her. She was frightened by what she saw in Vanessa's soul... uncertain if she was safe or not, if she could trust her or not. The feelings were too like Hades in the strength and power of it.
So she could say-
She was afraid.
She didn't know what to say.
She had yet to understand souls and the meaning and the fact that Vanessa is- Vanessa had even worried about that. Red didn't know. She was just trying to survive the moment, and after that, Red had not thought about the soul at all in its details- just some backdrop, something she knew without having to examine, but isn't that some excuse? Certainly nothing for Vanessa to live with - no reason for her to keep all the details to herself including the light. Wouldn't someone that could see the souls of others mention the good too? Why didn't she?
Her nails dig into Red's hand, and she does not flinch or pull her hand away but allows the curve of them into her skin so much so they leave marks. Her expression crumples. She could give a reason. She could give an excuse but all that remains is something tearing at her throat, at her heart, at her eyes that burn. Excuses don't seem like they're enough, because they're not. )
[ The suspicion is gone before Red even vocalizes her apology. Vanessa can see her sincerity—feel it so obediently punished under her own touch. The realization loosens her grip, the marks fading only moments later, and Vanessa's wide-eyed stare crumples as her head hangs low again, bowing in shame before Red's misplaced guilt.
Of course Red wouldn't have kept it from her intentionally. She had never shown any malice or deceit, and Vanessa was the one who could have asked for more. Truthfully, after the then-recent murders so violently under her belt, she...hadn't even thought to inquire after more. Why would Red have freely offered it when their meeting was still so new and and their shared fates uncertain?
She sighs and sniffs through her tears, shaking her head before bending down to tug Red's hand closer, this time with a gentler grip, so that she can rest her forehead there. It's bittersweet gratitude that twists at her heart, now that the shock fades. ]
No... Perhaps I didn't, and...still don't...know what I deserve.
[ Vanessa can't ever claim to be deserving of destiny's mercy, not anymore. But still, this does mean something beyond the darkness does remain. To suggest that she stands a better chance than she before dared to wonder?
She kisses the back of Red's hand. Her own meager apology. ]
But this is...something like hope, what you have offered. Perhaps this is exactly when I needed to hear it.
( Red watches the grip shift into one very gentle, to the kiss to the back of her hand as well as if in apology even as she shakes her head in answer. There's nothing to apologize for. Telling living people about their souls is still so new, and she couldn't have anticipated how to do it, when to do it, what all to say. Of course it would be important for her to know the light portion if she thought her soul entirely lost to darkness - the good and not only the bad.
She moves closer to her after the kiss. Her eyes burn. It's good to think that she can offer something good, something helpful, good to know that her ability can be used in that way. )
You deserve the truth about your own soul. ...I didn't realize you thought it was only dark. You deserve to have hope.
( Her voice is soft then, aching but genuine. Her hand turns in Vanessa's to grip tight hold to her then as she steps closer to her. )
But I'm glad I could help now after all the fucking shit you must have just gone through. ( She swallows thickly through her emotion, still marveling at the fact that Vanessa is real and here and not gone forever. )
[ Red still has a tender enough heart to worry about Vanessa's cause...even while she clearly must be struggling through her own. They both are. Vanessa's journey isn't through, even if Lucifer has been silenced. If not for the Doctor reassuring her so swiftly on her return, she might have feared that her new curse was to wander alone, just as she'd begun to when abandoned in London. She doesn't want Red to feel that same fear. She doesn't want her to feel alone, and the thought of having left her so even for a short time fills Vanessa with such guilt. The only comfort can find is that the Doctor would have been there for Red; there's no doubt of that.
Vanessa knows that she isn't any sort of person capable of looking after or guiding another, but she does know how to love more than anything else, and for that she wants to be with Red and watch her discover every kind of love in the world. If anything, she knows she'll be inspired. She knows and trusts that they can protect one another, at least for as long as Red wishes.
In London, her found family had scattered to the winds, reminding her that a path devoid of light would always be a lonely one, no matter what promises were once made. It's better here with Vanessa's people—with the family she may yet get to keep if she does allow herself to trust again. ]
Yes. After all, I stilled hoped to see you again, even though it seemed impossible. Selfish, even.
[ Her grip on Red's hand momentarily tightens again, this time for support while her legs shift under her and she tries to stand. One of her hands moves to press against a wall so Red doesn't need to heft all of her weight—not that she weighs much of anything. Even less than before for how little she's been eating the past fortnight. ]
And...I hope that I may be allowed to stay close, as you are dear to my heart. I could not bear another farewell.
( Red keeps a tight hold of her still, moving to help her stand because she can tell she's very weak at the moment like she hasn't eaten or slept or- She keeps her hand on Vanessa's still like that might ground them together - root them to one another. It won't. This world is only temporary in the end, and she understands that, she does. It can't be anything else. )
I don't think it's ever selfish to hope.
( Her voice is soft, a bit raw with emotion, but she thinks that's true. Hoping is such a human condition. Hoping against all odds often. She lifts her gaze back up to her own face, and she gives a crooked, aching little smile. )
Neither could I.
( They're on their feet now, and Red decreases the distance between them again to wrap her arms tightly around her, to hug her tight and hug her close as she'd wished to do when she realized Vanessa was already gone. Her eyes prick with terrible, heavy emotion, and her fingers grip hold protectively like she can somehow protect her from hurt that has already come to pass.
[ The hug only catches her off guard for a moment, and she's quick to return it with arms wrapping tight around the girl's shoulders. The sharp pinch in her chest is one she welcomes. It comes from a full heart.
Red has always been swift to accept her, both woman and monster, and Vanessa feels fiercely protective of both this girl and monster in turn. There's gratitude, knowing she won't be further denied the opportunity to see both sides to her grow and strengthen.
And if what she says about Vanessa is true, then...she herself has a better chance to rise, doesn't she? It's something more.
Lightly stroking Red's hair, Vanessa finally dares to ask. ]
( Vanessa feels too small in her arms, and it hurts to know the shit she's been through recently in her own world. She went back and fought fucking hard and suffered even harder, and Red's just glad she was pulled back through the beacon to here instead. Her grip is protective too even if Vanessa is far more powerful than she is, but it's a helpless thing.
She only pulls back slow at the question, which has her shaking her head. )
I went and holed up in my room when I knew it was being activated.
( Next time maybe she'll face it, maybe she's supposed to, but she didn't this time. )
I got your letter then, and I knew you must be there. But I- I couldn't even read it. Didn't want to lose the last piece I had. ( Of Vanessa. So long as the letter remained unread, a piece of her remained too. Kinda stupid but it was how she felt. )
[ Alone? Not even knowing what Vanessa thought of her? It hurts even more thinking that she left Red to that. She had hoped that the Doctor and Red might find comfort in one another as family in Vanessa's absence, and perhaps they would have if she had truly stayed away.
It's been longer for Vanessa, but she still remembers what she wrote in the letter. Her memory for the written word is keener than anything, especially anything by her own pen. Red may think the letter not worth reading at all now that Vanessa's back, but hearing about her reaction to the beacon only solidifies Vanessa's desire for the girl to understand how valued she is and will continue to be. ]
Paper can be lost; words will live on in your heart. It would be good for you to read, I think.
[ She hopes that Red will read it, but she isn't one to force the issue. Matters of the heart rarely play the way people want. ]
Of course, it is nothing I wouldn't be glad to say aloud.
[ Much easier with the knowledge that it isn't a goodbye. ]
I don't know. It was important - your words, what you had to say.
( Red releases a long, shaky breath, because it's hard to put to words. Loss and grief are so new to her, and she wanted to hold on to that one piece of Vanessa that remains on the paper for as long as possible. Eventually, that ache of a loss would have become so great, and she'd want to fill it with something, and she would have read it then, holding it close to her heart.
She smiles then even with an ache in her heart. Her hand falls to Vanessa's to grip tight hold of it then, keeping in mind all she's learned about the horrible shit that she went through in her world, the shift in her soul too, all of it. That ache spreads all over. )
I'm really grateful you came back though, and sorry about all the shit you had to go through back- back where you're from.
[ That Red feels either gratitude or sorrow for her sake is so touching that Vanessa squeezes at her hand in turn. What manner of creature is she to have been so wasted in the underworld? Likely, there's so much more than even Vanessa has witnessed. ]
It is in the past. The heartbreak— [ She sighs, blinking away tears. ] The memories and lessons I will carry with me always, but...I am as free of those burdens as I'll ever be. The old monsters are gone.
[ At least the ones that she needs to worry about. The unwelcome ones. May her most beautiful monsters never leave her side.
She'll attempt a smile to mirror Red's. Small as it seems, the affection that it carries runs deep. ]
I think I am ready to embrace the new. To...try. What of you?
( Red's expression grows quiet as she explains, and there's still that feeling resounding inside of her. Good. It's good all the old monsters are gone, good that she might be free- as free as she possibly can be, and now that she's here maybe she can stay here too.
Maybe that's actually possible.
She doesn't know, and she doesn't even know that it's right: to try to become something different, something else, something beyond what she was made for, what they are fated to be.
The strange mix of multiple identities that swirl inside of her: monster and human-like, Cerberus and Red, the same but not. She does so clearly see the affection in Vanessa's features, and it reaches her. It's shared. )
That's good. It's not easy to... do that. ( Embrace the new. ) But this place probably makes it easier, fresh start in so many ways.
So yeah, I think- I am. It's what I've been trying to do.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It's not clear. After a moment, her hand reaches out to rest on top of Vanessa's with the awkwardness of someone who is still getting used to- used to all of this, connections, humanity, providing reassurance or trying to. But she feels the realness of her against her palm, and it makes her eyes burn again.
She didn't go forever like Red had thought, navigating the emotions that had washed over her when she saw the envelope. )
Good. ( A sharp dangerous hiss for Lucifer until she realizes. Nothing comes without a price to be paid: and that cost is always heavy. ) ...but why would that- ( She wanted to know how much of her was left. ) What did it cost?
no subject
Having already experienced a bombardment of differing emotions since being discovered by the Doctor, Vanessa is primed for tears, but perhaps there's none left in her. Even as her voice cracks, her answer sounds hollow to her own ears. ]
Lives. Loves. Whatever small virtue I still carried within. I went to battle knowing that great evil could only be banished in the face of greater good, or...greater evil. [ She shakes her head. ] And I have never been very...good.
no subject
Morality is stickier than good and evil. Most everything is shades of gray. In a world so complicated, it makes sense that nothing can be properly boxed as one or the other. Only good, only evil. Her expression is stricken. )
You've been good to me.
( That is true. That is real. That she can offer. )
...you shouldn't have had to go to battle at all. ( It strangles out of her mouth in a protective, angry tone. There is a wrongness seeping into her bones, into her claws and teeth. It was wrong she wasn't there to fight for her, with her. She cannot change what has already happened, and so instead she speaks with her eyes burning, hoping this brings some... some manner of comfort, some manner of something: ) But there's still light in you. So- so much dark, but the light's not all gone.
no subject
Still...light?
Light? ]
What?
[ Still? ]
You—
[ There are the tears now, spilling unbidden with breaths that falter at first, but then her eyes grow wide with an incredible focus. There's something old piercing through that fog of melancholy now, and it looks into the younger ancient with a narrowing purpose. ]
You never...said there was any light. ...Before.
[ She returns Red's grip now, her other hand flying to clasp the girl's between her own, but so tight that her nails begin to bite at flesh.
All this time, Vanessa had begun to wonder if she had never known God's touch at all—that any remnants of divine virtue truly were a delusion before even facing Satan. Now she learns that something light had always been there in the root of her soul, and even if there's less of it now...something still...is.
Had Red meant to keep this from her? Did she know that her words have haunted Vanessa ever since their meeting? Oh, why hadn't Red told her that crucial detail sooner? ]
no subject
So she could say-
She was afraid.
She didn't know what to say.
She had yet to understand souls and the meaning and the fact that Vanessa is- Vanessa had even worried about that. Red didn't know. She was just trying to survive the moment, and after that, Red had not thought about the soul at all in its details- just some backdrop, something she knew without having to examine, but isn't that some excuse? Certainly nothing for Vanessa to live with - no reason for her to keep all the details to herself including the light. Wouldn't someone that could see the souls of others mention the good too? Why didn't she?
Her nails dig into Red's hand, and she does not flinch or pull her hand away but allows the curve of them into her skin so much so they leave marks. Her expression crumples. She could give a reason. She could give an excuse but all that remains is something tearing at her throat, at her heart, at her eyes that burn. Excuses don't seem like they're enough, because they're not. )
I'm sorry. You... deserved to... know all of it.
no subject
Of course Red wouldn't have kept it from her intentionally. She had never shown any malice or deceit, and Vanessa was the one who could have asked for more. Truthfully, after the then-recent murders so violently under her belt, she...hadn't even thought to inquire after more. Why would Red have freely offered it when their meeting was still so new and and their shared fates uncertain?
She sighs and sniffs through her tears, shaking her head before bending down to tug Red's hand closer, this time with a gentler grip, so that she can rest her forehead there. It's bittersweet gratitude that twists at her heart, now that the shock fades. ]
No... Perhaps I didn't, and...still don't...know what I deserve.
[ Vanessa can't ever claim to be deserving of destiny's mercy, not anymore. But still, this does mean something beyond the darkness does remain. To suggest that she stands a better chance than she before dared to wonder?
She kisses the back of Red's hand. Her own meager apology. ]
But this is...something like hope, what you have offered. Perhaps this is exactly when I needed to hear it.
no subject
She moves closer to her after the kiss. Her eyes burn. It's good to think that she can offer something good, something helpful, good to know that her ability can be used in that way. )
You deserve the truth about your own soul. ...I didn't realize you thought it was only dark. You deserve to have hope.
( Her voice is soft then, aching but genuine. Her hand turns in Vanessa's to grip tight hold to her then as she steps closer to her. )
But I'm glad I could help now after all the fucking shit you must have just gone through. ( She swallows thickly through her emotion, still marveling at the fact that Vanessa is real and here and not gone forever. )
There is hope.
no subject
Vanessa knows that she isn't any sort of person capable of looking after or guiding another, but she does know how to love more than anything else, and for that she wants to be with Red and watch her discover every kind of love in the world. If anything, she knows she'll be inspired. She knows and trusts that they can protect one another, at least for as long as Red wishes.
In London, her found family had scattered to the winds, reminding her that a path devoid of light would always be a lonely one, no matter what promises were once made. It's better here with Vanessa's people—with the family she may yet get to keep if she does allow herself to trust again. ]
Yes. After all, I stilled hoped to see you again, even though it seemed impossible. Selfish, even.
[ Her grip on Red's hand momentarily tightens again, this time for support while her legs shift under her and she tries to stand. One of her hands moves to press against a wall so Red doesn't need to heft all of her weight—not that she weighs much of anything. Even less than before for how little she's been eating the past fortnight. ]
And...I hope that I may be allowed to stay close, as you are dear to my heart. I could not bear another farewell.
/the latest sobs
I don't think it's ever selfish to hope.
( Her voice is soft, a bit raw with emotion, but she thinks that's true. Hoping is such a human condition. Hoping against all odds often. She lifts her gaze back up to her own face, and she gives a crooked, aching little smile. )
Neither could I.
( They're on their feet now, and Red decreases the distance between them again to wrap her arms tightly around her, to hug her tight and hug her close as she'd wished to do when she realized Vanessa was already gone. Her eyes prick with terrible, heavy emotion, and her fingers grip hold protectively like she can somehow protect her from hurt that has already come to pass.
She can't. )
/somehow even laterrrrr
Red has always been swift to accept her, both woman and monster, and Vanessa feels fiercely protective of both this girl and monster in turn. There's gratitude, knowing she won't be further denied the opportunity to see both sides to her grow and strengthen.
And if what she says about Vanessa is true, then...she herself has a better chance to rise, doesn't she? It's something more.
Lightly stroking Red's hair, Vanessa finally dares to ask. ]
...Did you not go through the beacon?
no subject
She only pulls back slow at the question, which has her shaking her head. )
I went and holed up in my room when I knew it was being activated.
( Next time maybe she'll face it, maybe she's supposed to, but she didn't this time. )
I got your letter then, and I knew you must be there. But I- I couldn't even read it. Didn't want to lose the last piece I had. ( Of Vanessa. So long as the letter remained unread, a piece of her remained too. Kinda stupid but it was how she felt. )
no subject
It's been longer for Vanessa, but she still remembers what she wrote in the letter. Her memory for the written word is keener than anything, especially anything by her own pen. Red may think the letter not worth reading at all now that Vanessa's back, but hearing about her reaction to the beacon only solidifies Vanessa's desire for the girl to understand how valued she is and will continue to be. ]
Paper can be lost; words will live on in your heart. It would be good for you to read, I think.
[ She hopes that Red will read it, but she isn't one to force the issue. Matters of the heart rarely play the way people want. ]
Of course, it is nothing I wouldn't be glad to say aloud.
[ Much easier with the knowledge that it isn't a goodbye. ]
no subject
I don't know. It was important - your words, what you had to say.
( Red releases a long, shaky breath, because it's hard to put to words. Loss and grief are so new to her, and she wanted to hold on to that one piece of Vanessa that remains on the paper for as long as possible. Eventually, that ache of a loss would have become so great, and she'd want to fill it with something, and she would have read it then, holding it close to her heart.
She smiles then even with an ache in her heart. Her hand falls to Vanessa's to grip tight hold of it then, keeping in mind all she's learned about the horrible shit that she went through in her world, the shift in her soul too, all of it. That ache spreads all over. )
I'm really grateful you came back though, and sorry about all the shit you had to go through back- back where you're from.
no subject
It is in the past. The heartbreak— [ She sighs, blinking away tears. ] The memories and lessons I will carry with me always, but...I am as free of those burdens as I'll ever be. The old monsters are gone.
[ At least the ones that she needs to worry about. The unwelcome ones. May her most beautiful monsters never leave her side.
She'll attempt a smile to mirror Red's. Small as it seems, the affection that it carries runs deep. ]
I think I am ready to embrace the new. To...try. What of you?
no subject
Maybe that's actually possible.
She doesn't know, and she doesn't even know that it's right: to try to become something different, something else, something beyond what she was made for, what they are fated to be.
The strange mix of multiple identities that swirl inside of her: monster and human-like, Cerberus and Red, the same but not. She does so clearly see the affection in Vanessa's features, and it reaches her. It's shared. )
That's good. It's not easy to... do that. ( Embrace the new. ) But this place probably makes it easier, fresh start in so many ways.
So yeah, I think- I am. It's what I've been trying to do.