[ It's too hard to say goodbye in person, because it's too tempting to stay.
Before Vanessa leaves, she'll have a letter sent to Red, alongside a small and minimalistic cigarette tin wrapped with care. Inside the lid, Red's name is engraved.
The letter reads: ]
My dear Red, I do not know if we will ever meet again, but I know that so long as these memories remain mine, then I will carry the image of you with me until the end.
I wonder, have you seen yourself? You are burdened with the Sight of others, to understand another person's soul before you even know their thoughts. I worry that it keeps you from knowing the vision of your own soul as another might see it.
I bore witness to a creature so radiant that I have been in awe for it. I saw a heart so tender that I wept. I felt a violence that was stunning. I think that if you set your mind to the path you desire, then nothing will stop you. I only wish that I could see what you will become, but I know that no matter where it finds you, you will be loved for it.
Please, never forget your passion, for your vibrancy inspired me. I will miss you.
( Red knew Vanessa was going to go through the beacon. They talked about it. It's the reason why she knows as soon as she sees the envelope with Vanessa's handwriting on it that she's gone. The beacon is being activated right now. Red's avoiding it like she can somehow avoid her fate, but the collar she was given for her help with the city is proof that isn't so. Even here.
And Vanessa's gone. She must already be gone, and what the hell can she do anyway? Stop her? Try to take away her choice? They only have so many in these worlds. Vanessa is one of the only other individuals who knows what it's like to struggle with this idea of identity (how fucking mixed up it can get when gods are involved).
Beyond that, Red cares about her a great deal, respects and admires her. There's the connection that was forged in the Labyrinth between them, everything they've gone through here together. And just like that she's gone through the Beacon, gone as if she was never here at all, won't remember this place - none of them will when they return. But already there's this ache opening inside of her chest to know she'll never see Vanessa again. Here Red's been debating if she should ever return, face reality or bury her fucking head in the sand more, and Vanessa does not debate but acts despite the very clear danger Red knows waits for her.
She heads up the stairs, shuts the door behind her, and curls up in a corner of her room. She's the only one in this empty house, clutching the letter with shaky hands. Red pulls it out of the envelope, tries to read it. She can only read the first line before her eyes blur over with tears again and again, and she slides her hand over her mouth, a muffled sound is released there. Caught between anger and sadness. Of the group of them who arrived all together securing passports, how many are even left? Fei's gone, Vanessa, it-
Red shuts the letter and folds it up tight: once, twice, three times without reading the rest. The paper is pressed to her palm, and the first gift anyone's ever given to her - personally, just for her lies at her feet. )
[ Although it's been a matter of weeks since Vanessa's seen Red, the memory of missing her and the others spanned far less time by logistics' sake, and that disconnect is something she's still having to work through in her mind by the time they're forced onto the airship. When thinking back on her time in London now, it's as if her heartbreak retroactively bleeds into the wrong memories.
Now when thinking on it, it's clear that she's been missing them for weeks, but something had kept her from consciously knowing why. The losses of Sembene, Sir Malcolm, and Ethan were easy enough marks for her melancholy in that abandoned house, after all. Why look further? It's an insult to her core to have her memories so tampered with, especially when she already has a long history of inconvenient memory blocks.
With barely enough time to recuperate from both loss and recovery, Vanessa is too flustered to do much beyond follow the Doctor to the airship and let him hold her steady while she marvels mutely at the sight of Serthica growing smaller and smaller. It's something that could have made her grin in wonder, had she not ever returned to London.
It's while they're on the ship that Vanessa can tell that Red is near. Where exactly, she doesn't know, but Vanessa knows the feel of her vibrations better than almost anyone else in their company, aside from the Doctor. Yet she doesn't seek Red out, too afraid for the sight she makes, having rushed to tie her hair back and wearing the barest dress underneath her overcoat. She isn't vain, but she doesn't want the girl to worry more than she likely already has.
The flight is long, but it's early on when Vanessa tries to find a moment alone, and she finds it in a rather noisy party of the airship that others seem to avoid. She assumes it's near the engine. There, she'll sit on the floor and attempt to type out something resembling a letter to Red. Of course, she takes far too long deleting and re-writing, as nothing really sounds right.
She can't summon the encouragement that she'd had before leaving. ]
( It's overwhelming at first - her heightened senses, everyone's auras all smushed together in the airship. On top of that, there is the sensation of being in the sky, which is entirely new even though the mortal realm where she's from has airplanes. She has never been on one. It's the reason it takes her time to sort through it all, but eventually she feels that particular connection to Vanessa, senses that she's here too.
But that should be impossible. Unless-
Other people were spit back out of the beacon. Red thinks she hates the thought of being yanked back and forth like that. If she chooses to go through the Beacon, it had better just let her, but she can't help but feel selfishly grateful at the idea that Vanessa may have been yanked back. She still hasn't read her letter (like if she did then it would signal the last pieces of her that were left in this world), and so she keeps it on her, folded up, pressed into a pocket - near.
Red follows that feeling, follows her senses, her supernatural ability to track down anyone she has met before so long as they're actually here. And she is. Red finds the private spot, opening the door, breathing in sharp with worry at the very sight of her. It's clear from that one look she's been through some kind of hell, and her own hands clutch to the collar under her sleeve, fingertips digging into her skin. )
...you're here. ( It's said in such a quiet whisper. It's likely not heard over the loud rumble of the engine. )
[ Vanessa can feel her before the door opens, her last attempt at sending a message as the pocket watch is lowered into her lap. The relief that floods her at the sight of Red is selfish, but she bathes in it; that, and the guilt. How lucky she is to be able to see the people she cares for again. These people didn't abandon her. In turn, she had been the one to leave them behind, although not for lack of love.
Staying seated, she glances Red over in a subconscious sizing of her constitution. Her beautiful beast had been crying. In that case, Vanessa wants to bring her news that might cheer her, but the victory of Evil over Evil feels too hollow to celebrate.
Though her form is still, her eyes are flicking about, assessing Red's features intimately even from here. Vanessa can hear her. She can see her.
What can Red see? ]
Am I?
[ Though prone to obscure poetical mutterings when suffering her melancholy, Vanessa's question isn't entirely rhetorical. Vanessa wants to reach out for Red, to pull her into her lap and stroke her hair and apologize for leaving, but she worries. What does Red see beyond her ashen skin and fragile bones? ]
( Red lets the door shut behind her. It takes time to adjust to all her senses and emotions in play especially as the relief floods in so powerfully. It hasn't been long since she last saw Vanessa's soul, but the change is stark enough to make her pause. In some ways, it's like seeing it for the first time, but it's different, stronger? Darker, more powerful, more, but in a subtle way.
Like the shadow is a vacuum tugging at her as if they're tethered by some unseen rope, as if it can tether to anyone who might be similar, wrap around them, understand them, command them as she had done so before.
There's so much shadow and darkness - not nearly so much light, just little fractures of it.
Her eyes close, but even here there's the overwhelming smell of venom and blood that makes her want to tear something apart to taste it for herself. There's the sound of scratching at leather, at fabric, tearing it- no, skin? She feels it there, crawling over her own skin like a promise, like a threat, like reassurance. It's all so twisted up in her chest, in her stomach, pulling and pushing.
Adjustment always takes time, and she swallows again through the wealth of sensations that come from seeing this soul she's known so well - changed, somehow, and she opens her eyes once more. )
I recognized you. ( So enough to recognize though she doesn't know that there's any comfort in that. She takes a step forward and then another, looking at Vanessa, trying to understand. Red blinks past burning, locking her jaw, rolling back her shoulders, and then another step forward. Her feet take her closer until there's little distance between them even if there's caution too and concern in her expression. ) What- what happened?
[ What does that mean? She didn't expect comfort; she doesn't know what she expected. Vanessa's brow furrows and her nails scratch against her skirt.
If she's still recognizable, then is something still there? Or...was it always only a shadow in place of a soul? Perhaps all Red's ever seen is the void of what once was; it was forfeit the moment that she kissed Lucifer deep so that she could drink the blood of Sir Geoffrey Hawkes.
Her gaze drops low. ]
He is gone. Lucifer can torment me no longer. I...did what I must.
( Red lowers herself down, kneeling there near, uncertain- Her gaze drifts over her face like she's trying to get a sense on if she's okay or not, if she wants her company or not. She's not okay obviously, but what did she face?
It's not clear. After a moment, her hand reaches out to rest on top of Vanessa's with the awkwardness of someone who is still getting used to- used to all of this, connections, humanity, providing reassurance or trying to. But she feels the realness of her against her palm, and it makes her eyes burn again.
She didn't go forever like Red had thought, navigating the emotions that had washed over her when she saw the envelope. )
Good. ( A sharp dangerous hiss for Lucifer until she realizes. Nothing comes without a price to be paid: and that cost is always heavy. ) ...but why would that- ( She wanted to know how much of her was left. ) What did it cost?
[ The question is a sting in a still-open wound, but it's the query of someone who knows what it means to abandon old lives, and it's one that has to be addressed. Vanessa may have faced her blockades head-on, but that was only because trying to sneak away had failed horribly. Lives had been endangered, and in the end the scales were never re-balanced. She'd conquered a mountain only to be felled by a chasm.
Having already experienced a bombardment of differing emotions since being discovered by the Doctor, Vanessa is primed for tears, but perhaps there's none left in her. Even as her voice cracks, her answer sounds hollow to her own ears. ]
Lives. Loves. Whatever small virtue I still carried within. I went to battle knowing that great evil could only be banished in the face of greater good, or...greater evil. [ She shakes her head. ] And I have never been very...good.
( Her throat lodges with emotion as Vanessa explains what happened, what she gave up in order to fight such a strong force. Her hand tightens over Vanessa's like Red is attempting to be a tether, attempting to be an anchor, but so much of that light has already been lost, swallowed up in the dark. What can she do? This has already happened, and Vanessa lives with the torn shrapnel of a battle fought hard, a battle with a heavy cost.
Morality is stickier than good and evil. Most everything is shades of gray. In a world so complicated, it makes sense that nothing can be properly boxed as one or the other. Only good, only evil. Her expression is stricken. )
You've been good to me.
( That is true. That is real. That she can offer. )
...you shouldn't have had to go to battle at all. ( It strangles out of her mouth in a protective, angry tone. There is a wrongness seeping into her bones, into her claws and teeth. It was wrong she wasn't there to fight for her, with her. She cannot change what has already happened, and so instead she speaks with her eyes burning, hoping this brings some... some manner of comfort, some manner of something: ) But there's still light in you. So- so much dark, but the light's not all gone.
[ Much of what Red says stirs at her heart, even if she can't really understand how she might have been good to the girl in any way, but then Red says something that leaves her forgetting anything else that had been shared.
Still...light?
Light? ]
What?
[ Still? ]
You—
[ There are the tears now, spilling unbidden with breaths that falter at first, but then her eyes grow wide with an incredible focus. There's something old piercing through that fog of melancholy now, and it looks into the younger ancient with a narrowing purpose. ]
You never...said there was any light. ...Before.
[ She returns Red's grip now, her other hand flying to clasp the girl's between her own, but so tight that her nails begin to bite at flesh.
All this time, Vanessa had begun to wonder if she had never known God's touch at all—that any remnants of divine virtue truly were a delusion before even facing Satan. Now she learns that something light had always been there in the root of her soul, and even if there's less of it now...something still...is.
Had Red meant to keep this from her? Did she know that her words have haunted Vanessa ever since their meeting? Oh, why hadn't Red told her that crucial detail sooner? ]
( There are so many things Red could say in response to that. She is so caught by the idea that it should have been something she said before, and she had not thought about it at the time. She was so new to seeing souls outside of the afterlife, to knowing what she should say and when- if she should say anything at all. She probably should have swallowed it all down like a boulder to the center of her. She was frightened by what she saw in Vanessa's soul... uncertain if she was safe or not, if she could trust her or not. The feelings were too like Hades in the strength and power of it.
So she could say-
She was afraid.
She didn't know what to say.
She had yet to understand souls and the meaning and the fact that Vanessa is- Vanessa had even worried about that. Red didn't know. She was just trying to survive the moment, and after that, Red had not thought about the soul at all in its details- just some backdrop, something she knew without having to examine, but isn't that some excuse? Certainly nothing for Vanessa to live with - no reason for her to keep all the details to herself including the light. Wouldn't someone that could see the souls of others mention the good too? Why didn't she?
Her nails dig into Red's hand, and she does not flinch or pull her hand away but allows the curve of them into her skin so much so they leave marks. Her expression crumples. She could give a reason. She could give an excuse but all that remains is something tearing at her throat, at her heart, at her eyes that burn. Excuses don't seem like they're enough, because they're not. )
[ The suspicion is gone before Red even vocalizes her apology. Vanessa can see her sincerity—feel it so obediently punished under her own touch. The realization loosens her grip, the marks fading only moments later, and Vanessa's wide-eyed stare crumples as her head hangs low again, bowing in shame before Red's misplaced guilt.
Of course Red wouldn't have kept it from her intentionally. She had never shown any malice or deceit, and Vanessa was the one who could have asked for more. Truthfully, after the then-recent murders so violently under her belt, she...hadn't even thought to inquire after more. Why would Red have freely offered it when their meeting was still so new and and their shared fates uncertain?
She sighs and sniffs through her tears, shaking her head before bending down to tug Red's hand closer, this time with a gentler grip, so that she can rest her forehead there. It's bittersweet gratitude that twists at her heart, now that the shock fades. ]
No... Perhaps I didn't, and...still don't...know what I deserve.
[ Vanessa can't ever claim to be deserving of destiny's mercy, not anymore. But still, this does mean something beyond the darkness does remain. To suggest that she stands a better chance than she before dared to wonder?
She kisses the back of Red's hand. Her own meager apology. ]
But this is...something like hope, what you have offered. Perhaps this is exactly when I needed to hear it.
( Red watches the grip shift into one very gentle, to the kiss to the back of her hand as well as if in apology even as she shakes her head in answer. There's nothing to apologize for. Telling living people about their souls is still so new, and she couldn't have anticipated how to do it, when to do it, what all to say. Of course it would be important for her to know the light portion if she thought her soul entirely lost to darkness - the good and not only the bad.
She moves closer to her after the kiss. Her eyes burn. It's good to think that she can offer something good, something helpful, good to know that her ability can be used in that way. )
You deserve the truth about your own soul. ...I didn't realize you thought it was only dark. You deserve to have hope.
( Her voice is soft then, aching but genuine. Her hand turns in Vanessa's to grip tight hold to her then as she steps closer to her. )
But I'm glad I could help now after all the fucking shit you must have just gone through. ( She swallows thickly through her emotion, still marveling at the fact that Vanessa is real and here and not gone forever. )
[ Red still has a tender enough heart to worry about Vanessa's cause...even while she clearly must be struggling through her own. They both are. Vanessa's journey isn't through, even if Lucifer has been silenced. If not for the Doctor reassuring her so swiftly on her return, she might have feared that her new curse was to wander alone, just as she'd begun to when abandoned in London. She doesn't want Red to feel that same fear. She doesn't want her to feel alone, and the thought of having left her so even for a short time fills Vanessa with such guilt. The only comfort can find is that the Doctor would have been there for Red; there's no doubt of that.
Vanessa knows that she isn't any sort of person capable of looking after or guiding another, but she does know how to love more than anything else, and for that she wants to be with Red and watch her discover every kind of love in the world. If anything, she knows she'll be inspired. She knows and trusts that they can protect one another, at least for as long as Red wishes.
In London, her found family had scattered to the winds, reminding her that a path devoid of light would always be a lonely one, no matter what promises were once made. It's better here with Vanessa's people—with the family she may yet get to keep if she does allow herself to trust again. ]
Yes. After all, I stilled hoped to see you again, even though it seemed impossible. Selfish, even.
[ Her grip on Red's hand momentarily tightens again, this time for support while her legs shift under her and she tries to stand. One of her hands moves to press against a wall so Red doesn't need to heft all of her weight—not that she weighs much of anything. Even less than before for how little she's been eating the past fortnight. ]
And...I hope that I may be allowed to stay close, as you are dear to my heart. I could not bear another farewell.
( Red keeps a tight hold of her still, moving to help her stand because she can tell she's very weak at the moment like she hasn't eaten or slept or- She keeps her hand on Vanessa's still like that might ground them together - root them to one another. It won't. This world is only temporary in the end, and she understands that, she does. It can't be anything else. )
I don't think it's ever selfish to hope.
( Her voice is soft, a bit raw with emotion, but she thinks that's true. Hoping is such a human condition. Hoping against all odds often. She lifts her gaze back up to her own face, and she gives a crooked, aching little smile. )
Neither could I.
( They're on their feet now, and Red decreases the distance between them again to wrap her arms tightly around her, to hug her tight and hug her close as she'd wished to do when she realized Vanessa was already gone. Her eyes prick with terrible, heavy emotion, and her fingers grip hold protectively like she can somehow protect her from hurt that has already come to pass.
[ The hug only catches her off guard for a moment, and she's quick to return it with arms wrapping tight around the girl's shoulders. The sharp pinch in her chest is one she welcomes. It comes from a full heart.
Red has always been swift to accept her, both woman and monster, and Vanessa feels fiercely protective of both this girl and monster in turn. There's gratitude, knowing she won't be further denied the opportunity to see both sides to her grow and strengthen.
And if what she says about Vanessa is true, then...she herself has a better chance to rise, doesn't she? It's something more.
Lightly stroking Red's hair, Vanessa finally dares to ask. ]
( Vanessa feels too small in her arms, and it hurts to know the shit she's been through recently in her own world. She went back and fought fucking hard and suffered even harder, and Red's just glad she was pulled back through the beacon to here instead. Her grip is protective too even if Vanessa is far more powerful than she is, but it's a helpless thing.
She only pulls back slow at the question, which has her shaking her head. )
I went and holed up in my room when I knew it was being activated.
( Next time maybe she'll face it, maybe she's supposed to, but she didn't this time. )
I got your letter then, and I knew you must be there. But I- I couldn't even read it. Didn't want to lose the last piece I had. ( Of Vanessa. So long as the letter remained unread, a piece of her remained too. Kinda stupid but it was how she felt. )
[ Alone? Not even knowing what Vanessa thought of her? It hurts even more thinking that she left Red to that. She had hoped that the Doctor and Red might find comfort in one another as family in Vanessa's absence, and perhaps they would have if she had truly stayed away.
It's been longer for Vanessa, but she still remembers what she wrote in the letter. Her memory for the written word is keener than anything, especially anything by her own pen. Red may think the letter not worth reading at all now that Vanessa's back, but hearing about her reaction to the beacon only solidifies Vanessa's desire for the girl to understand how valued she is and will continue to be. ]
Paper can be lost; words will live on in your heart. It would be good for you to read, I think.
[ She hopes that Red will read it, but she isn't one to force the issue. Matters of the heart rarely play the way people want. ]
Of course, it is nothing I wouldn't be glad to say aloud.
[ Much easier with the knowledge that it isn't a goodbye. ]
I don't know. It was important - your words, what you had to say.
( Red releases a long, shaky breath, because it's hard to put to words. Loss and grief are so new to her, and she wanted to hold on to that one piece of Vanessa that remains on the paper for as long as possible. Eventually, that ache of a loss would have become so great, and she'd want to fill it with something, and she would have read it then, holding it close to her heart.
She smiles then even with an ache in her heart. Her hand falls to Vanessa's to grip tight hold of it then, keeping in mind all she's learned about the horrible shit that she went through in her world, the shift in her soul too, all of it. That ache spreads all over. )
I'm really grateful you came back though, and sorry about all the shit you had to go through back- back where you're from.
[ That Red feels either gratitude or sorrow for her sake is so touching that Vanessa squeezes at her hand in turn. What manner of creature is she to have been so wasted in the underworld? Likely, there's so much more than even Vanessa has witnessed. ]
It is in the past. The heartbreak— [ She sighs, blinking away tears. ] The memories and lessons I will carry with me always, but...I am as free of those burdens as I'll ever be. The old monsters are gone.
[ At least the ones that she needs to worry about. The unwelcome ones. May her most beautiful monsters never leave her side.
She'll attempt a smile to mirror Red's. Small as it seems, the affection that it carries runs deep. ]
I think I am ready to embrace the new. To...try. What of you?
( Red's expression grows quiet as she explains, and there's still that feeling resounding inside of her. Good. It's good all the old monsters are gone, good that she might be free- as free as she possibly can be, and now that she's here maybe she can stay here too.
Maybe that's actually possible.
She doesn't know, and she doesn't even know that it's right: to try to become something different, something else, something beyond what she was made for, what they are fated to be.
The strange mix of multiple identities that swirl inside of her: monster and human-like, Cerberus and Red, the same but not. She does so clearly see the affection in Vanessa's features, and it reaches her. It's shared. )
That's good. It's not easy to... do that. ( Embrace the new. ) But this place probably makes it easier, fresh start in so many ways.
So yeah, I think- I am. It's what I've been trying to do.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Before Vanessa leaves, she'll have a letter sent to Red, alongside a small and minimalistic cigarette tin wrapped with care. Inside the lid, Red's name is engraved.
The letter reads: ]
no subject
And Vanessa's gone. She must already be gone, and what the hell can she do anyway? Stop her? Try to take away her choice? They only have so many in these worlds. Vanessa is one of the only other individuals who knows what it's like to struggle with this idea of identity (how fucking mixed up it can get when gods are involved).
Beyond that, Red cares about her a great deal, respects and admires her. There's the connection that was forged in the Labyrinth between them, everything they've gone through here together. And just like that she's gone through the Beacon, gone as if she was never here at all, won't remember this place - none of them will when they return. But already there's this ache opening inside of her chest to know she'll never see Vanessa again. Here Red's been debating if she should ever return, face reality or bury her fucking head in the sand more, and Vanessa does not debate but acts despite the very clear danger Red knows waits for her.
She heads up the stairs, shuts the door behind her, and curls up in a corner of her room. She's the only one in this empty house, clutching the letter with shaky hands. Red pulls it out of the envelope, tries to read it. She can only read the first line before her eyes blur over with tears again and again, and she slides her hand over her mouth, a muffled sound is released there. Caught between anger and sadness. Of the group of them who arrived all together securing passports, how many are even left? Fei's gone, Vanessa, it-
Red shuts the letter and folds it up tight: once, twice, three times without reading the rest. The paper is pressed to her palm, and the first gift anyone's ever given to her - personally, just for her lies at her feet. )
no subject
Now when thinking on it, it's clear that she's been missing them for weeks, but something had kept her from consciously knowing why. The losses of Sembene, Sir Malcolm, and Ethan were easy enough marks for her melancholy in that abandoned house, after all. Why look further? It's an insult to her core to have her memories so tampered with, especially when she already has a long history of inconvenient memory blocks.
With barely enough time to recuperate from both loss and recovery, Vanessa is too flustered to do much beyond follow the Doctor to the airship and let him hold her steady while she marvels mutely at the sight of Serthica growing smaller and smaller. It's something that could have made her grin in wonder, had she not ever returned to London.
It's while they're on the ship that Vanessa can tell that Red is near. Where exactly, she doesn't know, but Vanessa knows the feel of her vibrations better than almost anyone else in their company, aside from the Doctor. Yet she doesn't seek Red out, too afraid for the sight she makes, having rushed to tie her hair back and wearing the barest dress underneath her overcoat. She isn't vain, but she doesn't want the girl to worry more than she likely already has.
The flight is long, but it's early on when Vanessa tries to find a moment alone, and she finds it in a rather noisy party of the airship that others seem to avoid. She assumes it's near the engine. There, she'll sit on the floor and attempt to type out something resembling a letter to Red. Of course, she takes far too long deleting and re-writing, as nothing really sounds right.
She can't summon the encouragement that she'd had before leaving. ]
no subject
But that should be impossible. Unless-
Other people were spit back out of the beacon. Red thinks she hates the thought of being yanked back and forth like that. If she chooses to go through the Beacon, it had better just let her, but she can't help but feel selfishly grateful at the idea that Vanessa may have been yanked back. She still hasn't read her letter (like if she did then it would signal the last pieces of her that were left in this world), and so she keeps it on her, folded up, pressed into a pocket - near.
Red follows that feeling, follows her senses, her supernatural ability to track down anyone she has met before so long as they're actually here. And she is. Red finds the private spot, opening the door, breathing in sharp with worry at the very sight of her. It's clear from that one look she's been through some kind of hell, and her own hands clutch to the collar under her sleeve, fingertips digging into her skin. )
...you're here. ( It's said in such a quiet whisper. It's likely not heard over the loud rumble of the engine. )
no subject
Staying seated, she glances Red over in a subconscious sizing of her constitution. Her beautiful beast had been crying. In that case, Vanessa wants to bring her news that might cheer her, but the victory of Evil over Evil feels too hollow to celebrate.
Though her form is still, her eyes are flicking about, assessing Red's features intimately even from here. Vanessa can hear her. She can see her.
What can Red see? ]
Am I?
[ Though prone to obscure poetical mutterings when suffering her melancholy, Vanessa's question isn't entirely rhetorical. Vanessa wants to reach out for Red, to pull her into her lap and stroke her hair and apologize for leaving, but she worries. What does Red see beyond her ashen skin and fragile bones? ]
What is left of me?
no subject
Like the shadow is a vacuum tugging at her as if they're tethered by some unseen rope, as if it can tether to anyone who might be similar, wrap around them, understand them, command them as she had done so before.
There's so much shadow and darkness - not nearly so much light, just little fractures of it.
Her eyes close, but even here there's the overwhelming smell of venom and blood that makes her want to tear something apart to taste it for herself. There's the sound of scratching at leather, at fabric, tearing it- no, skin? She feels it there, crawling over her own skin like a promise, like a threat, like reassurance. It's all so twisted up in her chest, in her stomach, pulling and pushing.
Adjustment always takes time, and she swallows again through the wealth of sensations that come from seeing this soul she's known so well - changed, somehow, and she opens her eyes once more. )
I recognized you. ( So enough to recognize though she doesn't know that there's any comfort in that. She takes a step forward and then another, looking at Vanessa, trying to understand. Red blinks past burning, locking her jaw, rolling back her shoulders, and then another step forward. Her feet take her closer until there's little distance between them even if there's caution too and concern in her expression. ) What- what happened?
no subject
If she's still recognizable, then is something still there? Or...was it always only a shadow in place of a soul? Perhaps all Red's ever seen is the void of what once was; it was forfeit the moment that she kissed Lucifer deep so that she could drink the blood of Sir Geoffrey Hawkes.
Her gaze drops low. ]
He is gone. Lucifer can torment me no longer. I...did what I must.
no subject
It's not clear. After a moment, her hand reaches out to rest on top of Vanessa's with the awkwardness of someone who is still getting used to- used to all of this, connections, humanity, providing reassurance or trying to. But she feels the realness of her against her palm, and it makes her eyes burn again.
She didn't go forever like Red had thought, navigating the emotions that had washed over her when she saw the envelope. )
Good. ( A sharp dangerous hiss for Lucifer until she realizes. Nothing comes without a price to be paid: and that cost is always heavy. ) ...but why would that- ( She wanted to know how much of her was left. ) What did it cost?
no subject
Having already experienced a bombardment of differing emotions since being discovered by the Doctor, Vanessa is primed for tears, but perhaps there's none left in her. Even as her voice cracks, her answer sounds hollow to her own ears. ]
Lives. Loves. Whatever small virtue I still carried within. I went to battle knowing that great evil could only be banished in the face of greater good, or...greater evil. [ She shakes her head. ] And I have never been very...good.
no subject
Morality is stickier than good and evil. Most everything is shades of gray. In a world so complicated, it makes sense that nothing can be properly boxed as one or the other. Only good, only evil. Her expression is stricken. )
You've been good to me.
( That is true. That is real. That she can offer. )
...you shouldn't have had to go to battle at all. ( It strangles out of her mouth in a protective, angry tone. There is a wrongness seeping into her bones, into her claws and teeth. It was wrong she wasn't there to fight for her, with her. She cannot change what has already happened, and so instead she speaks with her eyes burning, hoping this brings some... some manner of comfort, some manner of something: ) But there's still light in you. So- so much dark, but the light's not all gone.
no subject
Still...light?
Light? ]
What?
[ Still? ]
You—
[ There are the tears now, spilling unbidden with breaths that falter at first, but then her eyes grow wide with an incredible focus. There's something old piercing through that fog of melancholy now, and it looks into the younger ancient with a narrowing purpose. ]
You never...said there was any light. ...Before.
[ She returns Red's grip now, her other hand flying to clasp the girl's between her own, but so tight that her nails begin to bite at flesh.
All this time, Vanessa had begun to wonder if she had never known God's touch at all—that any remnants of divine virtue truly were a delusion before even facing Satan. Now she learns that something light had always been there in the root of her soul, and even if there's less of it now...something still...is.
Had Red meant to keep this from her? Did she know that her words have haunted Vanessa ever since their meeting? Oh, why hadn't Red told her that crucial detail sooner? ]
no subject
So she could say-
She was afraid.
She didn't know what to say.
She had yet to understand souls and the meaning and the fact that Vanessa is- Vanessa had even worried about that. Red didn't know. She was just trying to survive the moment, and after that, Red had not thought about the soul at all in its details- just some backdrop, something she knew without having to examine, but isn't that some excuse? Certainly nothing for Vanessa to live with - no reason for her to keep all the details to herself including the light. Wouldn't someone that could see the souls of others mention the good too? Why didn't she?
Her nails dig into Red's hand, and she does not flinch or pull her hand away but allows the curve of them into her skin so much so they leave marks. Her expression crumples. She could give a reason. She could give an excuse but all that remains is something tearing at her throat, at her heart, at her eyes that burn. Excuses don't seem like they're enough, because they're not. )
I'm sorry. You... deserved to... know all of it.
no subject
Of course Red wouldn't have kept it from her intentionally. She had never shown any malice or deceit, and Vanessa was the one who could have asked for more. Truthfully, after the then-recent murders so violently under her belt, she...hadn't even thought to inquire after more. Why would Red have freely offered it when their meeting was still so new and and their shared fates uncertain?
She sighs and sniffs through her tears, shaking her head before bending down to tug Red's hand closer, this time with a gentler grip, so that she can rest her forehead there. It's bittersweet gratitude that twists at her heart, now that the shock fades. ]
No... Perhaps I didn't, and...still don't...know what I deserve.
[ Vanessa can't ever claim to be deserving of destiny's mercy, not anymore. But still, this does mean something beyond the darkness does remain. To suggest that she stands a better chance than she before dared to wonder?
She kisses the back of Red's hand. Her own meager apology. ]
But this is...something like hope, what you have offered. Perhaps this is exactly when I needed to hear it.
no subject
She moves closer to her after the kiss. Her eyes burn. It's good to think that she can offer something good, something helpful, good to know that her ability can be used in that way. )
You deserve the truth about your own soul. ...I didn't realize you thought it was only dark. You deserve to have hope.
( Her voice is soft then, aching but genuine. Her hand turns in Vanessa's to grip tight hold to her then as she steps closer to her. )
But I'm glad I could help now after all the fucking shit you must have just gone through. ( She swallows thickly through her emotion, still marveling at the fact that Vanessa is real and here and not gone forever. )
There is hope.
no subject
Vanessa knows that she isn't any sort of person capable of looking after or guiding another, but she does know how to love more than anything else, and for that she wants to be with Red and watch her discover every kind of love in the world. If anything, she knows she'll be inspired. She knows and trusts that they can protect one another, at least for as long as Red wishes.
In London, her found family had scattered to the winds, reminding her that a path devoid of light would always be a lonely one, no matter what promises were once made. It's better here with Vanessa's people—with the family she may yet get to keep if she does allow herself to trust again. ]
Yes. After all, I stilled hoped to see you again, even though it seemed impossible. Selfish, even.
[ Her grip on Red's hand momentarily tightens again, this time for support while her legs shift under her and she tries to stand. One of her hands moves to press against a wall so Red doesn't need to heft all of her weight—not that she weighs much of anything. Even less than before for how little she's been eating the past fortnight. ]
And...I hope that I may be allowed to stay close, as you are dear to my heart. I could not bear another farewell.
/the latest sobs
I don't think it's ever selfish to hope.
( Her voice is soft, a bit raw with emotion, but she thinks that's true. Hoping is such a human condition. Hoping against all odds often. She lifts her gaze back up to her own face, and she gives a crooked, aching little smile. )
Neither could I.
( They're on their feet now, and Red decreases the distance between them again to wrap her arms tightly around her, to hug her tight and hug her close as she'd wished to do when she realized Vanessa was already gone. Her eyes prick with terrible, heavy emotion, and her fingers grip hold protectively like she can somehow protect her from hurt that has already come to pass.
She can't. )
/somehow even laterrrrr
Red has always been swift to accept her, both woman and monster, and Vanessa feels fiercely protective of both this girl and monster in turn. There's gratitude, knowing she won't be further denied the opportunity to see both sides to her grow and strengthen.
And if what she says about Vanessa is true, then...she herself has a better chance to rise, doesn't she? It's something more.
Lightly stroking Red's hair, Vanessa finally dares to ask. ]
...Did you not go through the beacon?
no subject
She only pulls back slow at the question, which has her shaking her head. )
I went and holed up in my room when I knew it was being activated.
( Next time maybe she'll face it, maybe she's supposed to, but she didn't this time. )
I got your letter then, and I knew you must be there. But I- I couldn't even read it. Didn't want to lose the last piece I had. ( Of Vanessa. So long as the letter remained unread, a piece of her remained too. Kinda stupid but it was how she felt. )
no subject
It's been longer for Vanessa, but she still remembers what she wrote in the letter. Her memory for the written word is keener than anything, especially anything by her own pen. Red may think the letter not worth reading at all now that Vanessa's back, but hearing about her reaction to the beacon only solidifies Vanessa's desire for the girl to understand how valued she is and will continue to be. ]
Paper can be lost; words will live on in your heart. It would be good for you to read, I think.
[ She hopes that Red will read it, but she isn't one to force the issue. Matters of the heart rarely play the way people want. ]
Of course, it is nothing I wouldn't be glad to say aloud.
[ Much easier with the knowledge that it isn't a goodbye. ]
no subject
I don't know. It was important - your words, what you had to say.
( Red releases a long, shaky breath, because it's hard to put to words. Loss and grief are so new to her, and she wanted to hold on to that one piece of Vanessa that remains on the paper for as long as possible. Eventually, that ache of a loss would have become so great, and she'd want to fill it with something, and she would have read it then, holding it close to her heart.
She smiles then even with an ache in her heart. Her hand falls to Vanessa's to grip tight hold of it then, keeping in mind all she's learned about the horrible shit that she went through in her world, the shift in her soul too, all of it. That ache spreads all over. )
I'm really grateful you came back though, and sorry about all the shit you had to go through back- back where you're from.
no subject
It is in the past. The heartbreak— [ She sighs, blinking away tears. ] The memories and lessons I will carry with me always, but...I am as free of those burdens as I'll ever be. The old monsters are gone.
[ At least the ones that she needs to worry about. The unwelcome ones. May her most beautiful monsters never leave her side.
She'll attempt a smile to mirror Red's. Small as it seems, the affection that it carries runs deep. ]
I think I am ready to embrace the new. To...try. What of you?
no subject
Maybe that's actually possible.
She doesn't know, and she doesn't even know that it's right: to try to become something different, something else, something beyond what she was made for, what they are fated to be.
The strange mix of multiple identities that swirl inside of her: monster and human-like, Cerberus and Red, the same but not. She does so clearly see the affection in Vanessa's features, and it reaches her. It's shared. )
That's good. It's not easy to... do that. ( Embrace the new. ) But this place probably makes it easier, fresh start in so many ways.
So yeah, I think- I am. It's what I've been trying to do.